Last night, a group of men and women gathered at a local Starbucks to meet each other for a series of 6 minute mini-dates and I was one of them.

This particular event had been re-scheduled a couple of times for lack of participants. Summertime, vacations, economy or whatever has lowered the number of signups but usually, these events bring  from 12 to 18 or more couples a time.

Ours was a smaller group, 5 women and 5 men but still worth it as I met some interesting people and always enjoy stretching myself outside of my comfort zone.

When I arrived, the attendees were gathering in the back of Starbucks checking in. The hostess told us to go purchase something to drink, if we’d like, and we’d be starting promptly at 7:00 pm.

Events are held at coffee shops, upper scale restaurants, trendy clubs…pretty much anywhere the host or hostess feels would be a good environment for people to meet and mingle.

We all received nametags with our name and a number printed on them and the ladies were told to take a seat at one of the two person tables. The ladies would stay at the same table all evening while the men would get up and rotate for each ‘date’.

At each table were preprinted cards and pens. The card was numbered with spaces following each number. When you meet each date, you write their name next to their corresponding number.

There was also a space to write notes about that person. Anything that stood out about them that you liked or perhaps didn’t like that would help you remember them later.

Then there were two boxes, “Let’s talk” and “No thanks” for you to circle.

After the event, you take your card home, sign in online at the website you registered for the event, and enter your match selections. The person’s name is listed online with a ‘yes’, or ‘no’, next to it.

Once you have entered your match selections, the men/women who want to see each other again, will be notified by email. If someone chose you, but you did not choose them, you are notified by email and have 5 days to reconsider them and vice-versa.

The interesting stuff….

The theory is that people can generally tell within 3-5 minutes if they have initial, general attraction to each other. Therefore, with speed dating, you have the opportunity to meet many people in one evening, instead of spending an evening with only one man/woman to find out that you feel absolutely zero chemistry.

Speed dating is a light, casual, fun, no pressure venture and it works. Our hostess, a married woman, has been hosting events for over three years. She is a busy, working woman with a life of her own but continues to host speed dating events because as she puts it, “I love to see the positives that come from it”, “I believe in it because I’ve seen couples find each other and I’ve seen marriages happen”, she went on to say that, “Everyone comes with a positive attitude and has fun with it”, and “everyone is always welcoming and polite to each other”.

And let’s face it, to attend a speed dating event, you have to search online for one in your area, register and pay a fee, (I paid $35.00), save the date, get dressed up, bring your smiling face and show up to spend 6 minutes with as many men/women who came. Then you have to login online and fill in your match selections. If someone were not all that serious about finding a partner, they wouldn’t put out that effort. At least not more than once or twice.

Our hostess said that one man who was supposed to have attended our event was called out of town on business. She said he is an attractive, professional man and has attended several of her events. He hasn’t met the one yet, but keeps coming back because he loves the ability to meet so many women at once, in person. He doesn’t care for the impersonal quality of online dating and picking someone up at a nightclub is not his style.

And this is what I found to be true. Genuine, friendly and outgoing people….I admit, I wondered what the women would be like. Would they be catty, flashing each other competitive glances and sizing each other up? No, these women were friendly and kind and even before the event we all started chatting with each other, the men too.

One women I spoke with said she attended another event and found the same thing, “The women were all friendly and kind to each other with no snarky attitudes, I was so pleasantly surprised.”

On to the dates….while I DID, in fact, know in 3 minutes or less that there were no love connections happening for me, I met some interesting men. When you sit for 6 minutes with a stranger, you become acutely aware of your own body language and theirs. This was the most interesting part for me. I tend to watch body language anyway because it speaks volumes more than words, and perhaps because we all knew we had limited time, our bodies unconsciously spoke-up more than usual perhaps.

You can ask and share whatever you want and if you have deal breakers, it might be a good time to get it out there. One man sat down with me and immediately asked if I was a smoker. Clearly a deal breaker for him.

Of the questions asked of me, the ones that stand out are:

What do you do for a living?

What are your vices?

What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

What do you like to do in your spare time?

Why did you get divorced? (not a question I’d recommend)

And the question I liked the most….What is the one thing about you that you’d like me to know?

I liked that question so much, I asked it of the following men who joined me.

At the end of each 6 minute date, the hostess rings a bell and the men rotate to the next woman.

After the event all the ladies decided to walk down to the restaurant/bar that was in the same strip mall. We were strangers with one thing in common, we were all single, working women looking for eligible men to date. And that was enough to begin friendships.

The men must have overheard our plans, because after 5 minutes of taking our seats, they all walked in and joined us. We had a fun and lighthearted evening continuing to get to know each other and if my high powered body language perceptions are accurate, I think I detected one match forming out of our group!

How about you? Ever try speed dating? What did you think?

People won’t fully appreciate what they have if they are allowed to take it for granted.

If you feel you are in a situation where your man is getting too comfortable or taking you for granted, you may need to shake his confidence a little.

It’s human nature-when people feel their partner’s relentless adoration, unfailing devotion, they soon come to feel their partner is in the palm of their hand, they coast along, perhaps get a little complacent, and eventually take their partner for granted. Next stop on the passion train….Dullsville.

If you feel you are being taken for granted, the best way to stir those romantic passions again is to shake their confidence.

Why? Because people always desire the unattainable.

They desire even more what they already possess but fear they might be loosing!

I experienced this first hand many years ago when I had been dating a new man for several months. He was a classic hunter, he pursued, called me regularly, was romantic, gave compliments and flowers freely–it was a whirlwind.

We had just turned the corner in our relationship and had made it official. We had become a “couple”. 

It’s normal and necessary to “settle in” to a relationship and relax. I realized that “the chase” was over and I was “caught” and things would get comfortable. I wanted that comfort too.

But he got a little too comfortable.

The man who always shaved and dressed nice when we had dinner out, suddenly wanted to go out in whatever jeans and old t-shirt he had had on all day. The desire to clean up and look his best for me diminished.

The man who use to make it a priority to have alone time with me now wanted to include his friends all the time with us. Our alone time was late in the evening when they left…

When I’d come over to his house when we’d first started dating, it was always orderly and neat, now there were dishes regularly in the sink and a cluttered mess all around.

While he continued to show his love and devotion to me, I felt something was off. I felt like he knew his little woman was right there, whenever he needed her and he no longer had to work at it. I felt taken for granted.

Just because we were “committed”, didn’t I still deserve a man who brought his best forward the way I still did?

It was time to shake his confidence. I wasn’t going to nag, or complain or beg him to shape up; I was going to inflict a little pain.

The next time he called, it went like this:

Him: Hey babe, why don’t you come over tonight? 

Me: Are we going to be alone?

Him: No, the guys are coming over.

Me: Oh, well why don’t you just hang out with the guys and we can get together another time.

(Silence….He’s thinking “what”? She’s never said this before)

Him: You don’t want to come over? Is something wrong? (fully expecting me to nag, whine or complain because that’s what women usually do).

Me: (very happily) Not at all. I had a great day. I’m just not up for all that company. You have fun. I’m going to call Karen and see if she’d like to catch a movie.

He’s wondering why I’d rather see Karen and not him-and if I go out with her, will we stop for a drink after? Who might give me attention?

Men aren’t dumb.

They know when they aren’t giving you their best. He also knows that I asked if we were going to be alone before I committed to coming over and why I chose not to.

He knows that we haven’t had much alone time in awhile.

And because I didn’t nag, it shows I could take him or leave him that evening. And he did not like that!

Was he loosing me? Why didn’t I care if I saw him?

He would have preferred I nag and complain. At least then he’d know he held all my attention-and all the cards.

Men hate nagging but it also makes them feel they are in control. And when we nag, we give them control.

Don’t complain. Men don’t respond to words, they respond to action!

So what happened with my man?

He surprised me with a romantic dinner alone the following weekend and dressed up!

He also gave me the third degree about my evening out with Karen. What movie did we see? Where did we go after? Did anyone try to hit on us? What time did I get home?

I was a good girl and controlled my desire to giggle.

In order to do that the first thing you have to do is forget ‘technique’, relax, breathe and desire to experience this kiss, with this man this moment.

In this way, there is no ‘right’ way to kiss. Your desire to give and receive a great kiss is wanting to experience it WITH him not DO a technique TO him.

Our society in its quest for great sex focuses highly on technique and while some basic technical information is valuable, the over abundance of it kills intimacy in my opinion. The bottom line is each person comes with different preferences ‘technically speaking’ and you have to get to know your partner in order to find out what sparks him anyway. A mind focused “put A here while doing this to B” blocks your ability to focus on your partner and learn about his unique sexual identity.

So what is with the obsession with manuals that give the message that there is a right way to be sexual and it works for all people?!

Buy into that and you’re likely to be doing what you read about wondering why he isn’t responding and either become frustrated with him, or insecure with yourself and the reality is, you are tuned out from each other and THAT is the whole problem. And all of us women have been with a technique focused man, haven’t we? It isn’t so great. In his quest to be a great lover, he rubs his heart out in a way he saw in porn or read about in manuals and can’t understand why we aren’t responding. We disconnect, feel numb, and he just rubs harder and stronger as if he’s waxing his car growing more and more mechanical and less and less sexy. 

At the risk of sounding like I am giving you new techniques to practice….I will give you ideas on how to create a vibrational link with your partner in order to make a real intimate connection with him.

Only then can you together, create a mind blowing kiss.

*Slow things down: When you feel detached or feel like he is, the easiest way to ‘connect’ and be able to ‘feel’ each other and be ‘present’ is to slow it waaaayyyy down. When you purposely go slow, it’s difficult NOT to connect. It takes effort and keeps you in the moment and it is then easier to focus on your partner and what you are feeling between you.

*Open your eyes: Most people kiss (and even make love) with their eyes closed. We think it’s romantic, or we find it’s easier to focus on our body sensations with our eyes closed, or we need to keep ours eyes closed so we can fantasize about the hot guy at the office. It may feel awkward at first but if you can leave your eyes open a little, at half mast occasionally while you are kissing and gaze into your partner’s eyes you will build intimacy and connection with him. Also, stop kissing long enough to pull back altogether for a few moments of direct eye contact and then resume your kiss. Eye contact is intimate and powerful and very connecting.

*Master your own insecurities: People focus on techniques, close their eyes and disconnect in order to avoid their own insecurities about their sexuality. They ‘think’ what they are doing is a way to build connection but it does the opposite. If you habitually do these things, think about what is holding you back. Perhaps being truly present and connected and revealingly close to your partner makes you feel too vulnerable. If you lack confidence, perhaps ‘acting’ like a sex kitten feels more comfortable than facing your own insecurities longs enough to become one.

Be brave and step outside of that box so you can become the seductress you desire to be.

Warning: Just because you may be ready to focus on your partner and build a vibrational link in order to create mind blowing kisses doesn’t mean he is on the same page. You can do your part but to make a true connection and an awesome kiss (that leads to awesome sex), it takes two. He may be well practiced in the art of disconnection and performance techniques himself. You can try to lead him, but he may not want to follow.

“Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch…. and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

I couldn’t agree more!

Seriously, of all the sexual things two people can do, kissing tops out as the most sensual, intimate, vulnerable, erotic and telling.

Our kissing style gives our partner messages about us, our mood, out intention, and our sexual identity…..

Since most communication is non-verbal have you ever received or given any of these kinds of kisses?

From “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch, Ph.d.

“The soft but electric kiss of a familiar lover.

The hard kiss of passion.

The breathy, languid kiss of tasting and smelling each other’s body.

The gentle bite on the lip from someone begging to be ‘rode hard and put away wet.”

Or what about these?

“The mushy, limp kiss of passivity and withheld eroticism.

The perfunctory kiss on the way to the office.

The sloppy, soupy, wet kiss that triggers anger rather than desire.

The rigid-tongued kiss of the mechanical lover.

The smothering kiss that rekindles childhood fears of an intrusive, engulfing parent.

The impatient kiss of a partner preoccupied with more important things.

The bad tasting kiss of the inconsiderate partner, whose ‘If you love me, take me as I am’ attitude becomes the bludgeon for take-it-or leave it lousy sex.

The begrudgingly given kiss of the ‘you can’t take me for granted’ lover who demands tooth-brushing and mouth-scouring…before a meeting of the tongues.”

If you want to be a truly seductive and sensuous woman, you better know how to send shivers up his spine with just your kiss.

But how do you know if your smooching is any good?

I can give you a list of ‘techniques’ to practice and many advice blogs and books do just that but more often than not it’s the person who is focused on their technique who is the lousiest kisser.

Everyone wants to be a good kisser. And because of that we become very aware of ‘ourselves’ during kissing and all things sexual. We may not even be completely aware of it or we are very aware that we are trying to DO what we read about or what we think is the right thing to do. This technique, that trick…..we may be thinking things like, “I need to use my hands this way, is he enjoying this? Am I doing it right? Am I responding enough? Should I take more control? Are my lips soft enough, firm enough or too firm? I hope my breath is fresh…..”

And while focused on all of that, you are completely NOT focused on your partner.

How much ‘connection’ with him do you think is being achieved?

ZERO!

When you tune out from your partner and tune into yourself, there is no connection. And without a real connection, there is no great, electric, wall socket, give him butterflies kiss.

The secret to being a great seductress, and kisser and lover lies in your ability to tune in to your partner.

To achieve a vibrational link with him–where you both are in sync with each other and can read each other’s need or desire to speed things up, slow things down, press harder, softer, lean in, tilt this way or that. You instinctively feel each other to the point where a flow happens so that spontaneous actions and reactions happen with no thought….HOT. Above all you are comfortable with yourself and he senses and feels it, physically and mentally.

In part II, I’ll give you some ideas on how to do just that!

And there are about as many ways to answer the question of “who pays” as there are people who answer it.

We’ve heard the many opinions……

“Whoever asked for the date pays.”

“The man pays.”

“The man pays for the first date, afterwards paying should be shared.”

“The man pays until there is a commitment.”

“Men and women should go Dutch.”

“Men and women should take turns.”

“Whoever grabs the check first should pay.”

“Men should pay for most of the dates, women should reciprocate sometimes.”

The fact is; there is no right or wrong answer.

People have different ideas of how “money” will be used and disbursed in their dating lives.

And each of the above possibilities comes with meaning, hidden agendas, and/or expectations.

The trick is to find someone with whom you click with-on this issue as well as all the others.

I’ll tell you what I believe.

I believe (generally speaking) that it is an ingrained quality in men to provide. Men feel secure, successful, needed, and respected when they can provide for themselves and their families or people who depend on them.

Especially when they feel it’s genuinely appreciated.

Most men transfer this quality to dating and enjoy paying for their dates when they feel it is truly appreciated. Most of the men I’ve talked to about this issue say they feel uncomfortable when a woman pays for them or fights them for the check.

It can be emasculating.

(Granted there are plenty of men, mostly under 35 who don’t seem to be wired with this quality thanks to the blending of the sexes during the feminism movement)

All this talk about equality and feminism and women’s lib is hooey when it comes to romance. Yes, I’m an equal. As an able bodied human being, intelligent and responsible I am equal, but when it comes to romance and dating and love……gender differences are still alive and well. It’s when we go against them or pretend they don’t exist or fight against them and blur the sexes that we get into trouble.

Women act like men, men like women and neither one treats the other with the respect and regard they each deserve. They wind up competing and focusing on who’s getting what and at what and whose expense. Passion dies.

Yes, I’m an equal, yes I can make my own money and ask a man out and pay for him. But that doesn’t make me feel feminine or ladylike or sexy. I CAN open my own doors, there is nothing wrong with my arms but I enjoy the gender roles and my equality is not threatened when he swings that door open and lets me walk through first.

My desire to embrace traditional gender roles such as the man asking me out, paying for our date and holding my door open for me doesn’t take anything away from me, nor does it take advantage of the man.

It lets a man BE A MAN.

If you are hung up on equality, your relationship just may wind up zapped of passion.

Co-workers go Dutch.

Friends “take turns”.

In the mysterious dance of passion and romance, if you fight against our gender differences you will reap what you sow.

Because let me tell you, if you are the type of woman who says things like:

“I don’t need a man to pay for me.”

“I don’t want to feel like I owe him anything.”

“This isn’t the 1800s, I can take care of myself.”

“I like showing him how capable I am.”

“I want everything to be fair…..”

Then don’t complain when you attract the male counterpart who LOVES that about you, and therefore never sends you flowers, doesn’t plan romantic nights for you, doesn’t think to check your car for gas or an oil change, or run to help you carry in the groceries, and expects you to cut the grass, take out the garbage, and never surprises you with a hot bath and foot rub…..

If you don’t care about those things, then no problem, but if you do, don’t “date” with a “feminism” mentality and then wonder why he doesn’t do romantic or “manly” things.

Let’s be honest, there are women who have an entitlement mentality and bleed men of their finances by continuing to date a man who they KNOW they are not interested in for the monetary goodies. There are gold diggers who are only looking for the cash flow. And there are women who never say “thank you” for all a man provides be it paying for the date, planning something special, gassing up her car, or fixing the leaky faucet.

Some women expect all of these perks coming to them as a female but never offer their appreciation, respect and admiration-the things men love most (and your soft arms around him).

So if you are thinking about now, that I’m in that category you’re wrong.

While I date men who pay for dates, that doesn’t mean that all the dates are expensive.

A date can be coffee, or taking our bikes to a park and having a picnic, or visiting a museum or an antique show.

And I DO believe in reciprocation-just not by whipping out my wallet in front of him and taking care of the bill.

Once I’m in a committed relationship, I loosen up a bit on this but in the beginning, I don’t like letting a man *see* me buying things for him. I personally feel it usurps his psychological provider role.

The 4:1 Rule-For every 4 dates a man takes me on I reciprocate somehow.

Ways to “pay” back:

*Sending him home with fresh baked cookies (great for the beginning of a relationship when you are not cozy enough to invite him home.)

*Pick him up a souvenir hat from a sporting event you attended.

*Cook him dinner at home. (Men would rather you do this than take them out every time)

*Buy him the hot new CD he was talking about.

*After he takes you out to dinner, invite him home for a dessert you’ve made.

*Surprise him with concert tickets. (which can be very expensive-the point is not that I refuse to spend money, I just don’t do it in front of them.)

You get the idea. Above all, make sure he knows how much you appreciate him and all he does for you.

What do you think?

I wondered if meeting would be a good idea because throughout the year he’d make comments from time to time that made me wonder if he held the thought that our “friendship” could grow into more. General positive comments about my personality or outlook on life….but nothing overt.

During our evening, which was at a local dance club with a group of friends, I felt more and more his attraction to me. I had learned enough about him throughout year to know that while he’s a great guy, he’s not for me. I didn’t go into our meeting with any thoughts of him other than a friend, but my fear that he would be coming with some hope was confirmed.

He touched me a lot, complimented me in a round-about way, “I’m attracted to women like you who X, Y, Z…” and describe something about me he liked. By the time the night was over he suggested we try dating. I told him that I truly don’t think of him that way and like being just friends. I also reminded him that I’ve told him many times before I’m not looking to blend my son with a man with young kids. He has 3 young ones. He played devil’s advocate and basically argued each point I gave him and WHY I should look at it different and see it his way.

*Word of wisdom–if you have to “talk” someone into dating you, it’s probably not going to work.

When he realized I wasn’t responding the way he’d hoped, he started “busting my balls” so to speak. Criticizing things about me: the car I drive is not “green” and is socially irresponsible,  I’m so skinny, not many men find that attractive (but he does), he wasnt’ crazy about the jeans I had on….

These were peppered in at the same time with self-compliments. Making sure I knew how many women find him attractive, how he didn’t make it to the men’s room without being stopped and asked to dance…

It was so transparent and boring and sad and I instantly regretted meeting him in person and wanted to put him back in his cyberspace box.

“Email man” is back in his box but I realize he has to go. He continues to try to make this friendship more than I want it to be and it just doesn’t make sense to continue it.

I guess this woman and man cannot be “Just Friends.”

Her long blond hair looked backcombed and sprayed for height, she had a decent amount of well applied makeup and perfectly manicured nails painted bright pink. An over-sized yellow leather bag slung on her shoulder.

I heard a comment coming from one of the men seated near me at the bar as she past.

“Trying too hard,”  he said.

I caught his eye and he was visibly embarrassed but I smiled, introduced myself, told him I write for a blog and asked him if he wouldn’t mind elaborating…..writing this blog has given me so much courage to talk to men and ask them anything and everything. It’s amazing how honest perfect strangers can be….

He was with a buddy and they proceeded to say things like:

• “There’s too much going on, the boots, bracelets, chains, huge bag. Too much in one outfit.”
• “Bracelets like that drive me nuts, they clang and are noisy.”
• “I feel like I’m looking at a fashion advertisement, not the girl.”
• “She thinks she looks hot, but we like it simple.”
• “What’s with purses the size of luggage?”
• “She’s pretty but she looks high maintenance.”
• “Can she do anything with nails that long?”
• “If her hair looks stiff, it is.”

And My Favorite Because It Sums It All Up:

• “Women dress for other women, not men.”

It’s true. I believe most of the time women do dress for other women. Not intentionally, but we’ve been conditioned to. We notice everything other women are wearing (and more importantly how good they look in it). We talk to other women about fashion. We follow and want to keep up with the latest trends and jam ourselves into skinny, high waisted, low waisted, ripped, wrecked, bleached, abused jeans, tulip skirts, ballet shoes, Cami tops, and ruffles upon ruffles even if we won’t look good in them.

And worst of all we compare ourselves to other women constantly, thereby making us dress for them even more. Because we want to blend in, fit in, and measure up. We’d be mortified if we were under dressed in comparison to the other women at an event while most men wouldn’t even notice let alone care.

What men find attractive is simplicity.

They generally want form fitting clothes that show your body, but also leave something to the imagination. They usually don’t care for a whole lot of extras.

“If that girl took off the necklaces, bracelets, had a smaller purse and regular high heels, she’d look hot.”

As we all stared at her from across the room, I had to agree. Do we depend on so much fashion because we are not confident enough to carry “sexy” all by ourselves? Or have we just been brainwashed by the fashion industry?

I admit it, I love clothes and having fun with them.

But if it’s men we want to attract, we should consider what attracts them.

Here’s a few thoughts from those two that I think fit the norm of what most men find attractive about a woman’s style.

• Men like medium length, well manicured nails painted with clear polish, light pink or beige tones. Not bright, bold colors. 
• They love high heels. And I quote, “Wear them with everything.”
• Black can be boring- women wear it too much.
• If there are too many zippers, ties, buttons, straps…..it’s distracting and he will be intimidated thinking of how to get it off of you. Even if you don’t want to sleep with him, you want him to imagine it.
• Don’t over accessorize.
• I hate to say it because I love pearls, but men find them old fashioned. I only wear mine with a very sexy dress or top to compensate. Don’t wear them with a sweater twinset!
• Men love to see body parts so show off your best. If you have great legs, wear skirts or shorts often. If legs aren’t your best feature, don’t wear short skirts just because they are ‘in’. Choose styles that show your amazing arms, booty, shoulders….
• Above all, be comfortable in it or don’t wear it. That means if you are tugging, rearranging, pulling down or up all evening or self conscious bending or reaching for fear of what may split or pop out, give it to Good Will. You won’t look or feel sexy if your clothes are not comfortable or they are wearing you instead of the other way around.

Said man, we’ll call “No voice Vinnie” texted her one day introducing himself and asked if she’d like to get together for a drink sometime.”

Assuming he was at work since it was the middle of the day and thought he probably couldn’t talk, didn’t think much of the fact that a man she’d never met reached out for the first time to introduce himself- WITH A TEXT, and texted back that yes, she would.

He texted back that he was going on vacation in a matter of days but would like to get together when he returned. She texted that would be fine and to CALL her when he got back.

Awhile later, he texted again and said that “tonight was open if she could swing a last minute drink”. She actually could be free for a short time for a quick one so they made plans, VIA  TEXT, to meet later that evening.

20 minutes before they were to arrive at the restaurant, he texted her the following:

“Stuck at hospital, sorry can’t make it….”

Now this is wrong on so many levels.

A.) First he wasn’t gentleman enough to pick up the phone so he could voice-to-voice introduce himself. So now having to break their plans he should have at least thought, (if he wanted to make a good impression at all) the proper thing would be to call and SPEAK to her.

B.) Making quick plans via text is fine for established friends or someone you are dating regularly, but again, he didn’t even know her. Men, it’s not sexy to make first time plans with a woman with a text or an email. Grant her the respect of at least showing her she worth human contact with your voice!

C.) What if her phone had been in her purse or out of earshot. A text only gives a small chime that she could have missed. He should have called her to make sure she got the message. It’s harder to miss a ringing phone as opposed to a little chime.

D.) Back to being a gentleman- he made last minute plans and then broke them. To show respect, attempt to show that his “blow of” was legitimate, and hope to get another date, he should have picked up that phone. She was left thinking he got a better offer.

She told me that unless he CALLED her to apologize again she would not go out with him. I don’t blame her. Yes, it’s true that as a doctor he very well may have gotten tied up, but why is it okay in his mind to send a text to someone he doesn’t even know, has never met, but asked her out and then blew her off 20 minutes before the date? If he truly had gotten tied up, then a man worth his salt would have followed up again with his voice to apologize the second he had a moment.

Why would a grown man imagine that is proper behavior? Successful business people would never treat a client in this fashion. Not if they expected to keep that client and their business reputation so why is it considered okay in the personal arena?

It’s not classy or sexy. It’s rude.

Well, “No voice Vinnie”, did follow up…..but not with a phone call. With…you guessed it, another text.

The next day he texted: “Again, sorry about last night…” nothing more was added to this text than the first blow off text so I’m not sure what the point of this second one was.

It sealed his fate.

She responded, “Not a problem.” and has decided not to meet him in the future.

Texting has its place. Quick messages of ‘need to know’ information:

“I’m running late”, “what are you wearing tonight?”, “on my way”… to your friend or regular date where a relationship is established and you actually ‘talk’ to the person more often than text or email.

Or a few quick banter texts with someone you may be flirting with, or big news that can’t wait, “Call me asap, I have to tell you something important…”

You get the idea. Texting is not the way to reach out and introduce yourself for the first time, or for setting up any kind of plans, or having entire conversations with someone you barely know. And if your method of communication with anyone is done predominately through texting or email, especially in the dating arena, ask yourself if you are happy with that and if not, change it.

Men who keep their communication at arms length and very impersonal like this in my opinion are giving clues to how unavailable they will also be in person and with the relationship at whole.

Ladies, if you are not happy with the texting arrangement set some boundaries, text back “call me” instead of going along. You have to manage this aspect of your relationships just as you have to manage everything else to get what you want and deserve.

And let’s face it, you at least deserve to hear the man’s voice before accepting a date with him!

What do you think? Anyone else frustrated with the abuse and overuse of texting and email in dating?

I found this awhile back and thought it was interesting. The list is very comprehensive. The more things a man can check off of this list shows his experience, bravery, knowledge and competency.

And he’ll have a few amazing stories to tell I’m sure.

Thought you might like to check it out. http://lifestyle.msn.com:80/your-life/bigger-picture/articlepm.aspx?cp-documentid=11258170

Here’s the list:

Automotive
1. Handle a blowout
2. Drive in snow
3. Check trouble codes
4. Replace fan belt
5. Wax a car
6. Conquer an off-road obstacle
7. Use a stick welder
8. Hitch up a trailer
9. Jump-start a car

Emergencies
10. Perform the Heimlich
11. Reverse hypothermia
12. Perform hands-only CPR
13. Escape a sinking car

Home
14. Carve a turkey
15. Use a sewing machine
16. Put out a fire
17. Home-brew beer
18. Remove bloodstains from fabric
19. Move heavy stuff
20. Grow food
21. Read an electric meter
22. Shovel the right way
23. Solder wire
24. Tape drywall
25. Split firewood
26. Replace a faucet washer
27. Mix concrete
28. Paint a straight line
29. Use a French knife
30. Prune bushes and small trees
31. Iron a shirt
32. Fix a toilet tank flapper
33. Change a single-pole switch
34. Fell a tree
35. Replace a broken windowpane
36. Set up a ladder, safely
37. Fix a faucet cartridge
38. Sweat copper tubing
39. Change a diaper
40. Grill with charcoal
41. Sew a button on a shirt
42. Fold a flag

Medical
43. Treat frostbite
44. Treat a burn
45. Help a seizure victim
46. Treat a snakebite
47. Remove a tick

Military Know-How
48. Shine shoes
49. Make a drum-tight bed
50. Drop and give the perfect pushup

Outdoors
51. Run rapids in a canoe
52. Hang food in the wild
53. Skipper a boat
54. Shoot straight
55. Tackle steep drops on a mountain bike
56. Escape a rip current

Survival
57. Build a fire in the wilderness
58. Build a shelter
59. Find potable water

Surviving Extremes
60. Floods
61. Tornados
62. Cold
63. Heat
64. Lightning

Teach Your Kids
65. Cast a line
66. Lend a hand
67. Change a tire
68. Throw a spiral
69. Fly a stunt kite
70. Drive a stick shift
71. Parallel park
72. Tie a bowline
73. Tie a necktie
74. Whittle
75. Ride a bike

Technology
76. Install a graphics card
77. Take the perfect portrait
78. Calibrate HDTV settings
79. Shoot a home movie
80. Ditch your hard drive

Master These Key Workshop Tools
81. Drill driver
82. Grease gun
83. Coolant hydrometer
84. Socket wrench
85. Test light
86. Brick trowel
87. Framing hammer
88. Wood chisel
89. Spade bit
90. Circular saw
91. Sledge hammer
92. Hacksaw
93. Torque wrench
94. Air wrench
95. Infrared thermometer
96. Sand blaster
97. Crosscut saw
98. Hand plane
99. Multimeter
100. Feeler gauges

I’m turned on by the man who can check off all 100.

In it he teaches a lesson we have all heard before from the self-help community: What you think is what you become. In fact, “You are the living embodiment of the sum total of your thoughts to this point in your life; you can be nothing else.”

That quote actually made me quite uncomfortable. Although I “know” that to be true intellectually and believe it, I also like to blame. I like to blame circumstances, other people’s behaviors, the economy, my current problem, my upbringing, my genetics, my education or lack thereof as convenient excuses for any goal or achievement I “say” I want but am not working toward or accomplishing.

It also made me uncomfortable because if it is as true as I believe deep down that it is; not just a little true but 100% true, then I should be farther along in life, I should have accomplished more, I should have more money, more love, more experiences, more to show for my gifts and talents and capabilities.

But that’s okay, we all need a kick in the pants sometimes to jump start us onto the right track or to steer us back to the path of success we were on, but perhaps became sidetracked from.

What does this have to do with dating and relationships?

EVERYTHING!

Here is another quote from Nightingale:

“Before you can achieve the kind of life you want, you must think, act, talk and conduct yourself in all of your affairs as would the person you wish to become.”

Success doesn’t happen first and THEN we have a better attitude and think positive thoughts and act accordingly.

We THINK, first, then ACT, then BECOME, then ACHIEVE.

If this is so, what do you expect from a relationship?

What are your goals?

Once you figure that out and you must first be clear about that, then you must figure out and become through thought and action the kind of person who would attract and deserve said goals and relationship.

Isn’t that so?

Follow the logic. If you want an emotionally available, physically fit, financially stable, and loyal man in your life, ask yourself what kind of woman would deserve such a man and become that woman. How would the woman act who would attract such a man?

This exercise will help you figure out some of your self defeating behaviors so you can determine where you need to retrain your thoughts to become first yourself a better person.

For example, you are basically a great gal, but maybe you are a little insecure so you begin a new relationship and over text, become too clingy, jump toward the man like the two of you will be married in a week. Would the man I described above be attracted to this kind of woman or would he be looking for the self assured and together woman who matches his level of development?

Maybe you know you are out of shape and a bit unhealthy but aren’t doing much to get control of that either. You like your junk food in front of the TV and feel you deserve the 500 calorie chocolate brownie Frappuccino. And that is fine, but you have to honestly accept then that the physically fit hottie I described may be looking for his equal and not be attracted to someone who cares less than he does about his health and fitness.

What if you want a financially stable man, would that type of man be attracted to a woman with $10,000 in credit card debt? See you don’t have to be rich, you may have very little money, but what you do with your money and how you manage it will tell a man something about you.

It may sound like I am suggesting that you have to change who you are to get a man to like you. I am not. But if you want the best from a man and relationship, then you must first be the best YOU can be.

That is how you will attract the best.

If your problem areas are insecurity or debt, you may attract the man who likes to rescue. Now I like these types of men because they can be very chivalrous and gentlemanly and old school men of integrity. However, there is a fine line. Some men take the rescue thing to an unhealthy level because they are unhealthy. They use their need to rescue to fill their own insecurity in order to elevate their own self worth. “See how great I am because of how much I do for her.” That is not chivalry, that’s insecurity.

By the same token your insecurity, your need to be taken care of by a man (because you ain’t doin’ it for yourself) elevates in your own mind, your feeling of self worth. “See how much he loves me. He wants to take care of all my problems.”

Now you have two people, who actually need to do some work on themselves, feeding each other’s shortcomings and the relationship is partially built on sub par people. How successful will it be?

True success in life whether it be in career or love comes from who we are and who we are starts with who we “THINK” we are. If you feel worthy of that great man, you will be a great woman. You will need to become her first before you will attract the great men. The great woman takes care of herself and weeds out any self defeating behaviors. She thinks herself to success and becomes the woman who deserves the man with the laundry list of fabulous qualities she wants.

Remember: “Before you can achieve the kind of life you want, you must think, act, talk and conduct yourself in all of your affairs as would the person you wish to become.”

Would the person you wish to become, the person who deserves the great man you want have casual sex, or allow a man to make her a booty call, or accept calls at the last minute for dates and be available or worse cancel with her friends to become available? Would she prattle on about her many achievements to impress him or name drop, would she dress overly sexual because she thinks that is the way to get men? Would she drive to his side of town most of the time because she doesn’t want to put him out? Would she complain and whine and nag a man to death and then tell her girlfriends, “He wants to see his friends more than me” (go figure).

Would she belittle him in public? Would complain that he doesn’t have enough money for her while she can’t balance her checkbook? Would she covet the bodies of supermodels while downing a carton of Haagen dazs?

Most of the time ladies, dating problems are not about men. They are about you, what you do, how you think, what you put up with, how you live, what you decide to do, what you don’t do, how you think, what you think you are worth, what you expect, how you allow yourself to be treated, how you think, how you conduct yourself, how you think, how you think, how you think.

For more see Confidence is a choice, not a feeling