If you have ever wondered what a speed dating event was like but was too nervous or intimidated to try, GO FOR IT!

Last night, a group of men and women gathered at a local Starbucks to meet each other for a series of 6 minute mini-dates and I was one of them.

 

This particular event had been re-scheduled a couple of times for lack of participants. Summertime, vacations, economy or whatever has lowered the number of signups but usually, these events bring  from 12 to 18 or more couples a time.

 

Ours was a smaller group, 5 women and 5 men but still worth it as I met some interesting people and always enjoy stretching myself outside of my comfort zone.

 

When I arrived, the attendees were gathering in the back of Starbucks checking in. The hostess told us to go purchase something to drink, if we’d like, and we’d be starting promptly at 7:00 pm.

Events are held at coffee shops, upper scale restaurants, trendy clubs…pretty much anywhere the host or hostess feels would be a good environment for people to meet and mingle.

 

We all received nametags with our name and a number printed on them and the ladies were told to take a seat at one of the two person tables. The ladies would stay at the same table all evening while the men would get up and rotate for each ‘date’.

 

At each table were preprinted cards and pens. The card was numbered with spaces following each number. When you meet each date, you write their name next to their corresponding number.

 

There was also a space to write notes about that person. Anything that stood out about them that you liked or perhaps didn’t like that would help you remember them later.

Then there were two boxes, “Let’s talk” and “No thanks” for you to circle.

 

After the event, you take your card home, sign in online at the website you registered for the event, and enter your match selections. The person’s name is listed online with a ‘yes’, or ‘no’, next to it.

 

Once you have entered your match selections, the men/women who want to see each other again, will be notified by email. If someone chose you, but you did not choose them, you are notified by email and have 5 days to reconsider them and vice-versa.

 

The interesting stuff….

 

The theory is that people can generally tell within 3-5 minutes if they have initial, general attraction to each other. Therefore, with speed dating, you have the opportunity to meet many people in one evening, instead of spending an evening with only one man/woman to find out that you feel absolutely zero chemistry.

 

Speed dating is a light, casual, fun, no pressure venture and it works. Our hostess, a married woman, has been hosting events for over three years. She is a busy, working woman with a life of her own but continues to host speed dating events because as she puts it, “I love to see the positives that come from it”, “I believe in it because I’ve seen couples find each other and I’ve seen marriages happen”, she went on to say that, “Everyone comes with a positive attitude and has fun with it”, and “everyone is always welcoming and polite to each other”.

 

And let’s face it, to attend a speed dating event, you have to search online for one in your area, register and pay a fee, (I paid $35.00), save the date, get dressed up, bring your smiling face and show up to spend 6 minutes with as many men/women who came. Then you have to login online and fill in your match selections. If someone were not all that serious about finding a partner, they wouldn’t put out that effort. At least not more than once or twice.

 

Our hostess said that one man who was supposed to have attended our event was called out of town on business. She said he is an attractive, professional man and has attended several of her events. He hasn’t met the one yet, but keeps coming back because he loves the ability to meet so many women at once, in person. He doesn’t care for the impersonal quality of online dating and picking someone up at a nightclub is not his style.

 

And this is what I found to be true. Genuine, friendly and outgoing people….I admit, I wondered what the women would be like. Would they be catty, flashing each other competitive glances and sizing each other up? No, these women were friendly and kind and even before the event we all started chatting with each other, the men too.

 

One women I spoke with said she attended another event and found the same thing, “The women were all friendly and kind to each other with no snarky attitudes, I was so pleasantly surprised.”

 

On to the dates….while I DID, in fact, know in 3 minutes or less that there were no love connections happening for me, I met some interesting men. When you sit for 6 minutes with a stranger, you become acutely aware of your own body language and theirs. This was the most interesting part for me. I tend to watch body language anyway because it speaks volumes more than words, and perhaps because we all knew we had limited time, our bodies unconsciously spoke-up more than usual perhaps.

 

You can ask and share whatever you want and if you have deal breakers, it might be a good time to get it out there. One man sat down with me and immediately asked if I was a smoker. Clearly a deal breaker for him.

 

Of the questions asked of me, the ones that stand out are:

 

What do you do for a living?

What are your vices?

What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

What do you like to do in your spare time?

Why did you get divorced? (not a question I’d recommend)

 

And the question I liked the most….What is the one thing about you that you’d like me to know?

I liked that question so much, I asked it of the following men who joined me.

 

At the end of each 6 minute date, the hostess rings a bell and the men rotate to the next woman.

 

After the event all the ladies decided to walk down to the restaurant/bar that was in the same strip mall. We were strangers with one thing in common, we were all single, working women looking for eligible men to date. And that was enough to begin friendships.

 

The men must have overheard our plans, because after 5 minutes of taking our seats, they all walked in and joined us. We had a fun and lighthearted evening continuing to get to know each other and if my high powered body language perceptions are accurate, I think I detected one match forming out of our group!

 

 

How about you? Ever try speed dating? What did you think?

 

The psychological kind, not the S&M kind…(that’s another post)!

People won’t fully appreciate what they have if they are allowed to take it for granted.

 

 

If you feel you are in a situation where your man is getting too comfortable or taking you for granted, you may need to shake his confidence a little.

                                                                            (more…)

In Part I, I talked about the importance of a “connection” with your partner as the basic ingredient for a great kiss. But how do you make a connection?

 

In order to do that the first thing you have to do is forget ‘technique’, relax, breathe and desire to experience this kiss, with this man this moment.

 

 

In this way, there is no ‘right’ way to kiss. Your desire to give and receive a great kiss is wanting to experience it WITH him not DO a technique TO him.

 

 

Our society in its quest for great sex focuses highly on technique and while some basic technical information is valuable, the over abundance of it kills intimacy in my opinion. The bottom line is each person comes with different preferences ‘technically speaking’ and you have to get to know your partner in order to find out what sparks him anyway. A mind focused “put A here while doing this to B” blocks your ability to focus on your partner and learn about his unique sexual identity.

                                                                                               (more…)

The hot and seductive movie “Bull Durham” has a great quote that comes from Crash Davis (played by Kevin Costner) who says…

 

 

“Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch…. and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

 

 

I couldn’t agree more!

 

Seriously, of all the sexual things two people can do, kissing tops out as the most sensual, intimate, vulnerable, erotic and telling.

 

 

Our kissing style gives our partner messages about us, our mood, out intention, and our sexual identity…..

Since most communication is non-verbal have you ever received or given any of these kinds of kisses?

                                                                                                         (more…)

It’s a question that is discussed and debated all the time.

And there are about as many ways to answer the question of “who pays” as there are people who answer it.

 

We’ve heard the many opinions……

 

“Whoever asked for the date pays.”

“The man pays.”

“The man pays for the first date, afterwards paying should be shared.”

“The man pays until there is a commitment.”

“Men and women should go Dutch.”

“Men and women should take turns.”

“Whoever grabs the check first should pay.”

“Men should pay for most of the dates, women should reciprocate sometimes.”

 

The fact is; there is no right or wrong answer.

People have different ideas of how “money” will be used and disbursed in their dating lives.

And each of the above possibilities comes with meaning, hidden agendas, and/or expectations.

The trick is to find someone with whom you click with-on this issue as well as all the others.

 

I’ll tell you what I believe.

                                                                                                   (more…)

I’m reading a motivational book entitled “Lead the Field” by Earl Nightingale. It’s a fascinating book laying out a model for success in any area of one’s life.

 

In it he teaches a lesson we have all heard before from the self-help community: What you think is what you become. In fact, “You are the living embodiment of the sum total of your thoughts to this point in your life; you can be nothing else.”

 

That quote actually made me quite uncomfortable. Although I “know” that to be true intellectually and believe it, I also like to blame. I like to blame circumstances, other people’s behaviors, the economy, my current problem, my upbringing, my genetics, my education or lack thereof as convenient excuses for any goal or achievement I “say” I want but am not working toward or accomplishing.

                                                                                                 (more…)

My friend Anne’s divorce is almost final. Recently a pal of hers approached her with great news. 

 

“I have the perfect man for you.” She declared happily.

 

She went on to tell Anne that a male friend of hers is also single.

 

“He’s an attractive doctor, upstanding in the community, and all around good man.”

 

She told Anne that she mentioned her to him and he seemed interested. Turns out they had in fact met many years before when they were both married at a party but don’t really recall much about each other.

 

Anne agreeing that all of it sounded good and looking forward to dating told her friend that she could pass on to Doctor-Man that she’d be interested in meeting him too.

 

The friend pulled a business card out of her purse and said, “Great, here’s his card, he told me to tell you to call him.”

 

What’s that sound? Oh yeah, it’s the air coming out of her balloon.

                                                                                                (more…)

If you want a second, third and fourth date, be careful what you talk about on the first. One wrong comment and instead of his being seduced by your beauty, charm and personality he’s recoiling and looking for the door or forming an unintended impression.

 

We all know how important first impressions are. And because this is so, the pressure to make a perfect one can often backfire on us.

 

Preoccupation with how we are perceived often results in nervousness which begets a forced or artificial persona, overdoing it, bragging, talking too much or about the wrong subjects.

 

Take a deep breath and remember you are not running for the presidency. Your only job on a first date is to relax, enjoy yourself and above all portray a light, easy going, positive attitude.

 

Here are some specific topics to avoid:

                                                                                                               (more…)

 

I broke up with “Sail Man” a couple of months ago. I’m ready and excited to begin dating again but for awhile there I was quite content to be alone, reflect on our relationship and just plain enjoy the sudden burst of free time that was previously filled with him. Ours was an eight month relationship  but even if you have been short term dating several different people of the course of a few months or a year its a good idea to give yourself a break from time to time to reassess, regroup and reorganize.

                                                                                                   (more…)

Humans have many basic needs: food, water, shelter. Touching and being touched may be just as important.

 

Here are some facts about touch:

 

• There are 50 touch receptors every square centimeter of skin.
• We have 5 million sensory cells.
• Bodies release the pleasure and stress reducing hormone oxytocin when touched.
• Studies have shown that in the absence of touch people of all ages can become sick, depressed and immune compromised.
• Infants deprived of touch can wither and even die.

 

Touching and being touched is an important part of relationships, increasing intimacy, warmth, feelings of connectedness and pleasure. It’s a way to convey understanding and compassion between friends, or love and passion between lovers.

 

Seductive people use the power of touch to communicate more than mere words ever could. Not all touches have to lead to sex. Here are some sensual touches to remember when your relationship is not yet sexual:

 

• Find excuses to touch him. Straighten his tie or gently pick something off of his clothes, then before you remove your hand, lay it open palm on his chest for a few moments.
• Hook you arm around his and put your head on his shoulder.
• Hold hands.
• Rub the back of his neck and play with his hair as he’s driving.
• Give him a good strong hug. Men often feel that women don’t touch them firmly enough; make sure he feels it.
• Don’t let your hands go idle when you kiss. Run them up his arms to his shoulders. Use your fingers on his neck and hair.
• Cuddle up against him while watching a movie.

 

When you are in a sexual relationship:

 

• Continue to do all of the above.
• Give him a body massage.
• Have sex….a lot!

Previous Posts »