The psychological kind, not the S&M kind…(that’s another post)!

People won’t fully appreciate what they have if they are allowed to take it for granted.

 

 

If you feel you are in a situation where your man is getting too comfortable or taking you for granted, you may need to shake his confidence a little.

                                                                             

 

It’s human nature-when people feel their partner’s relentless adoration, unfailing devotion, they soon come to feel their partner is in the palm of their hand, they coast along, perhaps get a little complacent, and eventually take their partner for granted. Next stop on the passion train….Dullsville.

 

 

If you feel you are being taken for granted, the best way to stir those romantic passions again is to shake their confidence.

 

 

Why? Because people always desire the unattainable.

They desire even more what they already possess but fear they might be loosing!

 

 

I experienced this first hand many years ago when I had been dating a new man for several months. He was a classic hunter, he pursued, called me regularly, was romantic, gave compliments and flowers freely–it was a whirlwind.

 

 

We had just turned the corner in our relationship and had made it official. We had become a “couple”. 

It’s normal and necessary to “settle in” to a relationship and relax. I realized that “the chase” was over and I was “caught” and things would get comfortable. I wanted that comfort too.

 

 

But he got a little too comfortable.

 

 

The man who always shaved and dressed nice when we had dinner out, suddenly wanted to go out in whatever jeans and old t-shirt he had had on all day. The desire to clean up and look his best for me diminished.

 

 

The man who use to make it a priority to have alone time with me now wanted to include his friends all the time with us. Our alone time was late in the evening when they left…

When I’d come over to his house when we’d first started dating, it was always orderly and neat, now there were dishes regularly in the sink and a cluttered mess all around.

 

 

While he continued to show his love and devotion to me, I felt something was off. I felt like he knew his little woman was right there, whenever he needed her and he no longer had to work at it. I felt taken for granted.

 

 

Just because we were “committed”, didn’t I still deserve a man who brought his best forward the way I still did?

 

 

It was time to shake his confidence. I wasn’t going to nag, or complain or beg him to shape up; I was going to inflict a little pain.

 

 

The next time he called, it went like this:

Him: Hey babe, why don’t you come over tonight? 

Me: Are we going to be alone?

Him: No, the guys are coming over.

Me: Oh, well why don’t you just hang out with the guys and we can get together another time.

(Silence….He’s thinking “what”? She’s never said this before)

Him: You don’t want to come over? Is something wrong? (fully expecting me to nag, whine or complain because that’s what women usually do).

Me: (very happily) Not at all. I had a great day. I’m just not up for all that company. You have fun. I’m going to call Karen and see if she’d like to catch a movie.

 

He’s wondering why I’d rather see Karen and not him-and if I go out with her, will we stop for a drink after? Who might give me attention?

Men aren’t dumb.

They know when they aren’t giving you their best. He also knows that I asked if we were going to be alone before I committed to coming over and why I chose not to.

He knows that we haven’t had much alone time in awhile.

And because I didn’t nag, it shows I could take him or leave him that evening. And he did not like that!

Was he loosing me? Why didn’t I care if I saw him?

He would have preferred I nag and complain. At least then he’d know he held all my attention-and all the cards.

Men hate nagging but it also makes them feel they are in control. And when we nag, we give them control.

 

 

Don’t complain. Men don’t respond to words, they respond to action!

 

So what happened with my man?

 

He surprised me with a romantic dinner alone the following weekend and dressed up!

 

 

He also gave me the third degree about my evening out with Karen. What movie did we see? Where did we go after? Did anyone try to hit on us? What time did I get home?

 

 

I was a good girl and controlled my desire to giggle.

 

 

7 Comments »

1. 

   Comment by George — July 18, 2009 @ 11:20 am

   This is so true. But I do believe it goes both ways. Women often will stop taking care of themselves, and become complacent in their committed relationship as well. I believe that every relationship could benefit by keeping each other on their toes!

2. 

   Comment by MidoriLei — July 20, 2009 @ 9:27 am

   As always, you give great advice! It’s so easy to take each other forgranted when you’re in a committed relationship.You give strangers your best and the person you say you love the most, they get the leftovers:( And it’s such a subtle transition, it’s good to be mindful! Thanks for your insights!

3. 

   Comment by CJ — July 23, 2009 @ 10:15 am

   On the surface ‘inflicting pain’ seems like game playing but because the goal is to benefit the relationship at large, I’m all for it and should have used it in past relationships.

   In the past when I felt taken for granted, I pushed harder out of insecurity that I was loosing a man’s interest, now I realize that probably made me even more unattractive and what I should have done was pull back.

   Great advice!

4. 

   Comment by That_guy — July 24, 2009 @ 2:23 pm

   Out of curiosity, what would you have done if he had said, “Sure, babe, you have a great time out. Have fun at the movie.”, and been all nonchalant about it?

5. 

   Comment by Seductress — July 27, 2009 @ 8:06 am

   Hi That_Guy…..To answer your question, considering it was the first time I had backed out from seeing him, he very well may have thought nothing of it and wished me a good time. However, I would have continued the same behavior until he DID notice and either ask me about it or do something about it on his own.

   When a man notices something is off without the woman nagging or complaining and HE chooses to bring it up verbally, he is much more geared in to the “talk” because he has initiated it. Because there is something HE is not happy with.

   If he never noticed or cared that my time with him diminished due to his friends constantly hanging around, well, then I’ve learned something about how he values time with me (useful information if I don’t ignore it).

6. 

   Comment by starthrower68 — July 27, 2009 @ 2:03 pm

   We may not like it ladies, but men want the control. Ok, let ‘em have it. But go on living your life. That’s the only part of it you can control anyway.

7. 

   Comment by Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach — August 13, 2009 @ 12:26 am

   There is a lot of wisdom to this post! I agree men want to be in control in a sense that they want to feel like they make decisions for themselves. In truth, women want that too. Women do not want a guy she has to make decisions to either.

   I think when women make sure that they are having a good time no matter what they are doing, whether it is to go out with her friends rather than hanging out with him and his friends, in the end every one will be happier.

   And yes, guys always perform the best when they feel like they have to. That is why it is usually the men who are making their Christmas shopping at the last minute a day before the eve :).

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