In Part I, I talked about the importance of a “connection” with your partner as the basic ingredient for a great kiss. But how do you make a connection?

In order to do that the first thing you have to do is forget ‘technique’, relax, breathe and desire to experience this kiss, with this man this moment.

In this way, there is no ‘right’ way to kiss. Your desire to give and receive a great kiss is wanting to experience it WITH him not DO a technique TO him.

Our society in its quest for great sex focuses highly on technique and while some basic technical information is valuable, the over abundance of it kills intimacy in my opinion. The bottom line is each person comes with different preferences ‘technically speaking’ and you have to get to know your partner in order to find out what sparks him anyway. A mind focused “put A here while doing this to B” blocks your ability to focus on your partner and learn about his unique sexual identity.

So what is with the obsession with manuals that give the message that there is a right way to be sexual and it works for all people?!

Buy into that and you’re likely to be doing what you read about wondering why he isn’t responding and either become frustrated with him, or insecure with yourself and the reality is, you are tuned out from each other and THAT is the whole problem. And all of us women have been with a technique focused man, haven’t we? It isn’t so great. In his quest to be a great lover, he rubs his heart out in a way he saw in porn or read about in manuals and can’t understand why we aren’t responding. We disconnect, feel numb, and he just rubs harder and stronger as if he’s waxing his car growing more and more mechanical and less and less sexy. 

At the risk of sounding like I am giving you new techniques to practice….I will give you ideas on how to create a vibrational link with your partner in order to make a real intimate connection with him.

Only then can you together, create a mind blowing kiss.

*Slow things down: When you feel detached or feel like he is, the easiest way to ‘connect’ and be able to ‘feel’ each other and be ‘present’ is to slow it waaaayyyy down. When you purposely go slow, it’s difficult NOT to connect. It takes effort and keeps you in the moment and it is then easier to focus on your partner and what you are feeling between you.

*Open your eyes: Most people kiss (and even make love) with their eyes closed. We think it’s romantic, or we find it’s easier to focus on our body sensations with our eyes closed, or we need to keep ours eyes closed so we can fantasize about the hot guy at the office. It may feel awkward at first but if you can leave your eyes open a little, at half mast occasionally while you are kissing and gaze into your partner’s eyes you will build intimacy and connection with him. Also, stop kissing long enough to pull back altogether for a few moments of direct eye contact and then resume your kiss. Eye contact is intimate and powerful and very connecting.

*Master your own insecurities: People focus on techniques, close their eyes and disconnect in order to avoid their own insecurities about their sexuality. They ‘think’ what they are doing is a way to build connection but it does the opposite. If you habitually do these things, think about what is holding you back. Perhaps being truly present and connected and revealingly close to your partner makes you feel too vulnerable. If you lack confidence, perhaps ‘acting’ like a sex kitten feels more comfortable than facing your own insecurities longs enough to become one.

Be brave and step outside of that box so you can become the seductress you desire to be.

Warning: Just because you may be ready to focus on your partner and build a vibrational link in order to create mind blowing kisses doesn’t mean he is on the same page. You can do your part but to make a true connection and an awesome kiss (that leads to awesome sex), it takes two. He may be well practiced in the art of disconnection and performance techniques himself. You can try to lead him, but he may not want to follow.

6 Comments »

1. 

   Comment by CJ — July 2, 2009 @ 7:00 pm

   I am an eyes closed kisser. I can’t really imagine opening my eyes without laughing but I am going to try this. I like to kiss slow so I’m good there, and insecurities…..YES at the beginning of a relationship I do think in the back of my mind what he is thinking.

2. 

   Comment by Anne — July 3, 2009 @ 5:06 pm

   I’ve been with men who seemed like they were trying too hard as well. And nothing turns me off more than a man who kisses for the minimum required time so he can move on. Not saying I’m a perfect kisser though; this post has opened my eyes to the importance of staying in the moment.

3. 

   Comment by hunter — July 12, 2009 @ 2:07 pm

   I have heard of women practice kissing on a pillow.

   I am an eyes closed kisser, and I will back off to see her face. If she allows me, I can kiss for a long time. All kisses are good, some are mood altering, some are energy inducing, some are magical, and if she is wearing perfume,(few women do, I can see why, perfume is expensive) holding and kissing a woman, can be highly addictive.

4. 

   Comment by George — July 13, 2009 @ 6:50 am

   I really think that eyes open or creased just a tad bit makes it ten times more passionate. If a woman can’t open her eye or won’t I know we are not connected. The eyes are the window to the soul and love making or the kissing is a bond with that soul. I’ve always felt strongly about connecting with your eyes and I’m so glad you posted this! You’re right on Seductress!

5. 

   Comment by Tina T — July 13, 2009 @ 3:09 pm

   I’m glad to see all this emphasis on kissing. So many articles just focus on what comes next, so it’s nice to see the kiss given its proper place when it comes to romance.

6. 

   Comment by Relationship Advice From Penny — July 30, 2009 @ 2:39 pm

   I prefer kissing with eyes half open as well as close - mix it up a little. Slow is definitely good..

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