It’s a question that is discussed and debated all the time.

And there are about as many ways to answer the question of “who pays” as there are people who answer it.

 

We’ve heard the many opinions……

 

“Whoever asked for the date pays.”

“The man pays.”

“The man pays for the first date, afterwards paying should be shared.”

“The man pays until there is a commitment.”

“Men and women should go Dutch.”

“Men and women should take turns.”

“Whoever grabs the check first should pay.”

“Men should pay for most of the dates, women should reciprocate sometimes.”

 

The fact is; there is no right or wrong answer.

People have different ideas of how “money” will be used and disbursed in their dating lives.

And each of the above possibilities comes with meaning, hidden agendas, and/or expectations.

The trick is to find someone with whom you click with-on this issue as well as all the others.

 

I’ll tell you what I believe.

                                                                                                    

I believe (generally speaking) that it is an ingrained quality in men to provide. Men feel secure, successful, needed, and respected when they can provide for themselves and their families or people who depend on them.

Especially when they feel it’s genuinely appreciated.

Most men transfer this quality to dating and enjoy paying for their dates when they feel it is truly appreciated. Most of the men I’ve talked to about this issue say they feel uncomfortable when a woman pays for them or fights them for the check.

It can be emasculating.

(Granted there are plenty of men, mostly under 35 who don’t seem to be wired with this quality thanks to the blending of the sexes during the feminism movement)

 

All this talk about equality and feminism and women’s lib is hooey when it comes to romance. Yes, I’m an equal. As an able bodied human being, intelligent and responsible I am equal, but when it comes to romance and dating and love……gender differences are still alive and well. It’s when we go against them or pretend they don’t exist or fight against them and blur the sexes that we get into trouble.

Women act like men, men like women and neither one treats the other with the respect and regard they each deserve. They wind up competing and focusing on who’s getting what and at what and whose expense. Passion dies.

 

Yes, I’m an equal, yes I can make my own money and ask a man out and pay for him. But that doesn’t make me feel feminine or ladylike or sexy. I CAN open my own doors, there is nothing wrong with my arms but I enjoy the gender roles and my equality is not threatened when he swings that door open and lets me walk through first.

 

My desire to embrace traditional gender roles such as the man asking me out, paying for our date and holding my door open for me doesn’t take anything away from me, nor does it take advantage of the man.

 

It lets a man BE A MAN.

 

If you are hung up on equality, your relationship just may wind up zapped of passion.

 

Co-workers go Dutch.

Friends “take turns”.

In the mysterious dance of passion and romance, if you fight against our gender differences you will reap what you sow.

 

Because let me tell you, if you are the type of woman who says things like:

“I don’t need a man to pay for me.”

“I don’t want to feel like I owe him anything.”

“This isn’t the 1800s, I can take care of myself.”

“I like showing him how capable I am.”

“I want everything to be fair…..”

 

Then don’t complain when you attract the male counterpart who LOVES that about you, and therefore never sends you flowers, doesn’t plan romantic nights for you, doesn’t think to check your car for gas or an oil change, or run to help you carry in the groceries, and expects you to cut the grass, take out the garbage, and never surprises you with a hot bath and foot rub…..

 

If you don’t care about those things, then no problem, but if you do, don’t “date” with a “feminism” mentality and then wonder why he doesn’t do romantic or “manly” things.

 

Let’s be honest, there are women who have an entitlement mentality and bleed men of their finances by continuing to date a man who they KNOW they are not interested in for the monetary goodies. There are gold diggers who are only looking for the cash flow. And there are women who never say “thank you” for all a man provides be it paying for the date, planning something special, gassing up her car, or fixing the leaky faucet.

 

Some women expect all of these perks coming to them as a female but never offer their appreciation, respect and admiration-the things men love most (and your soft arms around him).

 

So if you are thinking about now, that I’m in that category you’re wrong.

While I date men who pay for dates, that doesn’t mean that all the dates are expensive.

A date can be coffee, or taking our bikes to a park and having a picnic, or visiting a museum or an antique show.

 

And I DO believe in reciprocation-just not by whipping out my wallet in front of him and taking care of the bill.

Once I’m in a committed relationship, I loosen up a bit on this but in the beginning, I don’t like letting a man *see* me buying things for him. I personally feel it usurps his psychological provider role.

 

The 4:1 Rule-For every 4 dates a man takes me on I reciprocate somehow.

 

Ways to “pay” back:

 

*Sending him home with fresh baked cookies (great for the beginning of a relationship when you are not cozy enough to invite him home.)

*Pick him up a souvenir hat from a sporting event you attended.

*Cook him dinner at home. (Men would rather you do this than take them out every time)

*Buy him the hot new CD he was talking about.

*After he takes you out to dinner, invite him home for a dessert you’ve made.

*Surprise him with concert tickets. (which can be very expensive-the point is not that I refuse to spend money, I just don’t do it in front of them.)

 

You get the idea. Above all, make sure he knows how much you appreciate him and all he does for you.

 

What do you think?

5 Comments »

1. 

   Comment by Mike — June 21, 2009 @ 5:38 pm

   I’ve heard the 3:1 rule. I don’t mind paying, but like you said a man likes to feel appreciated. Most women will thank me and that’s all I want. However when a woman doesn’t thank me I think she feels like she’s entitled to it. Usually once we’re committed it doesn’t really matter anymore since it gets passes back and forth a lot.

2. 

   Comment by George — June 22, 2009 @ 5:49 am

   I’m so glad you brought this up. I do think that the roles have changed a lot but I feel that women in a way have screwed themselves over. They want everything. They want to have that bull dike attitude that tells a man he’s not needed, appriciated and how insulting it is to hold a door open for her, but yet she cries about being treated like a woman with class; where’s my gifts? can’t he take the garbage out? why doesn’t he buy me flowers? If I get a feeling that a woman is like that—it’s the last time I see her. Of course I believe woman can accomplish any goals they set their mind too, just like a man, but let’s be men and let’s be women.

3. 

   Comment by MidoriLei — June 23, 2009 @ 12:45 am

   I agree on EVERYTHING you said. Wow. So well said! I Absolutely love this post. Feminists who also want the extra romance and flowers should read this!

4. 

   Comment by Seductress — June 29, 2009 @ 8:58 am

   Mike…I think “entitlement” is a huge problem with some women. It shouldn’t take a huge effort to show a man he’s appreciated but for some women I think they feel like he’ll stop trying as hard if she gives him too many kudos.

   George….”bull dike”….LOL. Tell me how you really feel…

   Midorilei…Some women still don’t get how to be goal oriented achievers, independent and strong AND STILL be soft, feminine and show a man he’s needed. Men would love it if they would. It’s a killer combination.

5. 

   Comment by Pete — December 20, 2009 @ 3:43 am

   The author is an idiot. All she is advocating is more “cake and eat it too!” Equality in paying has nothing to do with helping to bring in the groceries, romantic baths or foot rubs… and I cant remember the last time I paid and got a foot rub or romantic bath!

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