I’m reading a motivational book entitled “Lead the Field” by Earl Nightingale. It’s a fascinating book laying out a model for success in any area of one’s life.

 

In it he teaches a lesson we have all heard before from the self-help community: What you think is what you become. In fact, “You are the living embodiment of the sum total of your thoughts to this point in your life; you can be nothing else.”

 

That quote actually made me quite uncomfortable. Although I “know” that to be true intellectually and believe it, I also like to blame. I like to blame circumstances, other people’s behaviors, the economy, my current problem, my upbringing, my genetics, my education or lack thereof as convenient excuses for any goal or achievement I “say” I want but am not working toward or accomplishing.

                                                                                                  

It also made me uncomfortable because if it is as true as I believe deep down that it is; not just a little true but 100% true, then I should be farther along in life, I should have accomplished more, I should have more money, more love, more experiences, more to show for my gifts and talents and capabilities.

 

But that’s okay, we all need a kick in the pants sometimes to jump start us onto the right track or to steer us back to the path of success we were on, but perhaps became sidetracked from.

 

What does this have to do with dating and relationships?

 

EVERYTHING!

 

Here is another quote from Nightingale:

 

“Before you can achieve the kind of life you want, you must think, act, talk and conduct yourself in all of your affairs as would the person you wish to become.”

 

Success doesn’t happen first and THEN we have a better attitude and think positive thoughts and act accordingly.

We THINK, first, then ACT, then BECOME, then ACHIEVE.

 

If this is so, what do you expect from a relationship?

What are your goals?

Once you figure that out and you must first be clear about that, then you must figure out and become through thought and action the kind of person who would attract and deserve said goals and relationship.

Isn’t that so?

Follow the logic. If you want an emotionally available, physically fit, financially stable, and loyal man in your life, ask yourself what kind of woman would deserve such a man and become that woman. How would the woman act who would attract such a man?

This exercise will help you figure out some of your self defeating behaviors so you can determine where you need to retrain your thoughts to become first yourself a better person.

 

For example, you are basically a great gal, but maybe you are a little insecure so you begin a new relationship and over text, become too clingy, jump toward the man like the two of you will be married in a week. Would the man I described above be attracted to this kind of woman or would he be looking for the self assured and together woman who matches his level of development?

 

Maybe you know you are out of shape and a bit unhealthy but aren’t doing much to get control of that either. You like your junk food in front of the TV and feel you deserve the 500 calorie chocolate brownie Frappuccino. And that is fine, but you have to honestly accept then that the physically fit hottie I described may be looking for his equal and not be attracted to someone who cares less than he does about his health and fitness.

 

What if you want a financially stable man, would that type of man be attracted to a woman with $10,000 in credit card debt? See you don’t have to be rich, you may have very little money, but what you do with your money and how you manage it will tell a man something about you.

 

It may sound like I am suggesting that you have to change who you are to get a man to like you. I am not. But if you want the best from a man and relationship, then you must first be the best YOU can be.

That is how you will attract the best.

 

If your problem areas are insecurity or debt, you may attract the man who likes to rescue. Now I like these types of men because they can be very chivalrous and gentlemanly and old school men of integrity. However, there is a fine line. Some men take the rescue thing to an unhealthy level because they are unhealthy. They use their need to rescue to fill their own insecurity in order to elevate their own self worth. “See how great I am because of how much I do for her.” That is not chivalry, that’s insecurity.

By the same token your insecurity, your need to be taken care of by a man (because you ain’t doin’ it for yourself) elevates in your own mind, your feeling of self worth. “See how much he loves me. He wants to take care of all my problems.”

 

Now you have two people, who actually need to do some work on themselves, feeding each other’s shortcomings and the relationship is partially built on sub par people. How successful will it be?

True success in life whether it be in career or love comes from who we are and who we are starts with who we “THINK” we are. If you feel worthy of that great man, you will be a great woman. You will need to become her first before you will attract the great men. The great woman takes care of herself and weeds out any self defeating behaviors. She thinks herself to success and becomes the woman who deserves the man with the laundry list of fabulous qualities she wants.

 

Remember: “Before you can achieve the kind of life you want, you must think, act, talk and conduct yourself in all of your affairs as would the person you wish to become.”

 

Would the person you wish to become, the person who deserves the great man you want have casual sex, or allow a man to make her a booty call, or accept calls at the last minute for dates and be available or worse cancel with her friends to become available? Would she prattle on about her many achievements to impress him or name drop, would she dress overly sexual because she thinks that is the way to get men? Would she drive to his side of town most of the time because she doesn’t want to put him out? Would she complain and whine and nag a man to death and then tell her girlfriends, “He wants to see his friends more than me” (go figure).

Would she belittle him in public? Would complain that he doesn’t have enough money for her while she can’t balance her checkbook? Would she covet the bodies of supermodels while downing a carton of Haagen dazs?

 

Most of the time ladies, dating problems are not about men. They are about you, what you do, how you think, what you put up with, how you live, what you decide to do, what you don’t do, how you think, what you think you are worth, what you expect, how you allow yourself to be treated, how you think, how you conduct yourself, how you think, how you think, how you think.

 

For more see Confidence is a choice, not a feeling

9 Comments »

1. 

   Comment by lisaq — March 23, 2009 @ 5:55 am

   “Most of the time ladies, dating problems are not about men.” So very true and yet much of the time we blame our dating problems on bad luck or there being no good men out there. We first have to look within, to ourselves, to find the man we want in our lives.

2. 

   Comment by MidoriLei — March 23, 2009 @ 7:19 pm

   Sooo true!!! This goes in line with this article I wrote a while back:

   You attract who you are:

   http://datingadvicefromagirl.com/you-attract-who-you-are_43/

   Thanks for the always inspiring and motivating articles!

3. 

   Comment by hunter — March 26, 2009 @ 12:11 am

   I used to feel bad about myself/dating/relationships, until one day, I sought a therapist, who made me see, I wasn’t always at fault.

4. 

   Comment by The Seductress — March 26, 2009 @ 9:19 am

   Lisaq, Yes, all success comes from within first, then what you do with what you find…

   Midorilei, Great article!

   Hunter, I don’t believe in assigning fault or feeling bad, I believe in choices and personal power.

5. 

   Comment by hunter — March 29, 2009 @ 12:39 pm

   Yes, men find out about choices and power, after turning 40 years of age..

6. 

   Comment by hunter — March 29, 2009 @ 12:45 pm

   I like motivational books and have read some, until recently, when I found out, books on making the initial approach caught my mind. Human behaviour can be really interesting, and it is not always from a logical point of view(on account of most men operating from logic)

7. 

   Comment by The Seductress — March 29, 2009 @ 8:58 pm

   Hunter, “men find out about choices and power, after turning 40 years of age..” yes, I think this is true of women too. You are right, human behavior is not always logical. I guess that is what makes is magical at best and a nightmare at worst.

8. 

   Comment by CJ — May 15, 2009 @ 8:24 pm

   So true. Everyone always agrees that you have to work on who you are inside first, but then don’t. Old habits die hard. Many people agree but then continue to look for that feeling they get from someone else to make them feel better. Hunter is right, the lesson usually doesn’t get truly learned until somewhere around 40.

9. 

   Comment by Layla — October 31, 2009 @ 6:16 pm

   What I think is that people should look for partners who are just like them, and not try to change for a while into a “better self”, because the old self returns anyway some day in the future, and the partner will eventually see who you really are. I think it’s better to let the other see your bad side, and accept you the way you are for real, and not to play a different person.
   I’ll give you an example: my husband. He changed only during the “hunting” period. He changed himself in order to impress me and marry me, and after only one year of marriage, he turned into a totally different person. And he blames it on me, he says it’s me who has to change now. That is why I am seriously thinking of a divorce after three years of living together. So… everything you said would be correct with a condition: once someone changes into a “better self” as you said, he or she should stick to that better self and never change back to the old self. Otherwise he or she ends up losing everything. In books they say it’s possible but… is that possible in the real life ?
   Now I am wondering… how many people can change and stay “changed” for good?
   You said “the physically fit hottie may be looking for his equal and not be attracted to someone who cares less than he does about his health and fitness.” That’s perfectly true! But that girl who wants to be with him, and starts losing weight, can she stay fit for the rest of her life, while being married to him? I don’t think so. She will most probably put back all that weight because that’s actually the way she is. That change is only temporary.
   Also the girl with $10,000 in credit card debt. That’s a life style! People who have debts, have always had debts, and will always have debts. Because they can’t control themselves. If they change, it will be only for a while, and after that the bad habit will be back. When I said all of the above, I did not refer to exceptions. I know, and I am sure there are people out there who can change and stay changed for good. But how many? 1 in a million, in a billion?
   So, I think those girls or guys who like junk food in front of the TV should stop dreaming about the neighbor next door who spends 3 hours a day at the gym! They should better look for someone just like themselves: not as “fit and hottie” as you said…. but ready to join them on eating junk food in front of the TV.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail