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Sex & Reasons For The Double Standard

February 3, 2009

I was discussing the issue of sex and dating recently with a single woman.

Frustrated she asked, “If I have sex too early, I’m easy, if I wait too long, I’m a prude!
If a man likes me enough to wait for sex, won’t the same man still like me enough if he doesn’t have to wait?”

It’s an interesting question. I wrote about the value in waiting in my article Dating & Sex. But no matter how many different ways I tried to explain my position to this woman, she was stuck on the double standard and tried to ‘argue’ that because it wasn’t fair for men to want sex early with women and then judge them for it, she was going to ‘do what she wanted, even if that meant having sex on the first date sometimes and to hell with the double standard.’

I told her that was a fine choice so long as she would be comfortable with the consequences.
That only frustrated her more….

But the fact is there are consequences for everything we do in life. The consequences aren’t always bad. But for every cause there is a effect. Or action/re-action when it involves human beings.

The bottom line is that you must be clear on what your goal is before having sex.

What result are you looking for? Physical release, express love, desire to deepen relationship, revenge, share closeness, make the other person or yourself feel better/wanted/validated, fear…?

Each one of those reasons for having sex is a desire with an expectation of a certain result. The other person’s reasons may be different. The desired or expected result/consequence may be exactly what you both hoped for and it may not.

What does this mean for sex and seduction?

If your desired result is a lasting love relationship, consider this:

You can scream all you want that it’s unfair that men judge an ‘easy’ woman or you can understand that for a man looking for love, the reason has less to do with the ‘easy’ woman and more to do with how it makes him feel about himself.

A man who is interested in a relationship with you wants to feel that it was his special qualities, his manliness, and his mojo that seduced you and won you into being sexual with him.
His ego demands it.
If you have sex with him on date 3 he knows he hasn’t had the time to prove to you he is worth it.

The luster of the hunt and chase and your final approval and ’succumbing’ is a large part of what will bond him to you. It’s a very seductive process for both parties.

Not because of the ‘sport’ of it, but because his psyche needs to prove to you that he is special, different, better, macho.
And he needs to feel that he won you because he earned it; because you realized how great he is.

More than the feeling of love, men want to feel respected and accepted.
If you sleep with him before you know enough about him to truly respect him, he won’t feel accepted for whom he is, sexually or otherwise and it will be difficult to undo that early perception later even if a relationship ensues.

The value of the woman who gives this dynamic time skyrockets compared to the girl who broke out the latex toys and handcuffs drunk after the 3rd date thinking porn star sex is the way to a man’s heart. Because of how the difference makes him feel about himself.

Especially when she attempts damage control by trying to make him feel like he earned her acceptance by saying, “I never do this; you just have an effect on me.”

He knows that if he truly earned her acceptance by who he is, he wouldn’t be hearing these words.

I’m not suggesting you use sex as a carrot dangled before him, you should naturally want to qualify him for yourself and let him show you how wonderful he is for himself.
And no matter how badly he wants sex, he wants you to as well.

That balance is the best sexual foundation for a relationship.

When your relationship turns into long term, he will always see you as more valuable than other women because the natural part of a man that wants to protect and care for the woman he loves doesn’t ever want to think of her as having been sexually indiscriminating (easy) with him or anyone else.

Sex always has meaning. Because society focuses largely on a man’s ability to separate emotion from sex we begin to believe he doesn’t have emotions at all or emotionless sex is his natural choice or ’state’.

Both men and women embarking on a love relationship can feel vulnerable about the timing and meaning sex has to the relationship.

Just as a woman desires the man she is sexual with to value and cherish her, a man desires respect and acceptance.

What do you think?

Does thinking about the ‘double standard’ this way make it seem so unfair?

Or can we realize that men can feel vulnerable regarding sex too?

Post tags: Being labeled easy, Double Standard, Sex, Waiting for sex, when to have sex

Posted in: Sex

16 Comments »

Comment by Mike — February 3, 2009 @ 3:08 pm

I think that most of the double standards that women have are continued by a woman. I very rarely hear a guy talk about it. Most of my male friends are married so I don’t hear much anymore about how long to wait. I knwo myself that the longer the wait the greater the chance for a LTR. However I’ve been dumped for wanting to wait to have sex so it does go both ways.
Comment by Mary — February 3, 2009 @ 6:43 pm

I have sex when I feel like having it, never early in a relationship, because that is my choice, not because I am afraid it will “mean” a certain something to the other person. I worry about what it means to me. I am somewhat selfish in the beginning, because I am actually giving, but like to date the giving type as well. I weed out the ALL ABOUT ME people and dump them quickly. I don’t even want a LTR right now, but I don’t worry about the implications of everything for the other person. ~Mary
Comment by searchingwithin — February 4, 2009 @ 1:14 pm

Excellent article, and I really am having a hard time coming up with something to add, which will add additional value to what you have already said here. Possibly, just to re-word and say. I man wants to feel special to the woman that he chooses as a partner, and if you give him sex too early, where is the special? Where have you been selective, where he can feel selected above all others, because if you do have sex with him right away, he is going to think, without a shadow of a doubt, you do that with all men, that show you any kind of attention, no matter what you say.

~Best Wishes~
Comment by George — February 4, 2009 @ 4:55 pm

Very interesting but alas I think both men and women know the answer to this. If a woman wants to have sex just because she wants to have sex…well so bit…her choice, bravo for you! But don’t cry about being alone and being treated like a tramp either. It does go both ways, I’ve been with women that want to jump in the sack the first night…if I’m in the mood for a quick romp…I do, If I’m not in the mood for it, I don’t and never call her again. Simple fact, act like a whore get treated like a whore. That goes for both men and women.
Comment by lisaq — February 5, 2009 @ 6:53 am

I’ll admit that the whole business used to frustrate me as well, but as I’ve grown more comfortable with myself and grown to love myself, I’ve realized that my frustration came from my own actions and expectations. Men are much more likely to respect you if you respect yourself and if you establish healthy boundaries.
Comment by The Seductress — February 5, 2009 @ 12:37 pm

Mike, perhaps some women when faced with a man of self constraint and intergrity, just don’t know what to do with him…

Mary, Welcome. I admire your ‘true to self’ attitude.

Searching Within, Welcome. Yes, there is a difference between the man looking to score and the man looking for a relationship. Too often women lump them together and/or cannot tell the difference.

George...”act like a whore, get treated like a whore.” Alrighty then! You are always right to the point. I love it!

Lisaq, I agree. I have grown in my own understanding of myself, my femininity, boundaries and respect for myself and men from when I was a 20 something. It has changed everything.

Seductress
Comment by hunter — February 14, 2009 @ 12:46 pm

I have had women make me wait for sex, but, the more I got to know them, the less I wanted to have sex with them. Eventually, the fire burned out.
Comment by hunter — February 14, 2009 @ 12:55 pm

…and then come the accusations/I am inadequate this and that, etc…
Comment by The Seductress — February 19, 2009 @ 10:08 pm

Hunter, did you lose interest ‘because’ they made you wait or did you lose interest because of other qualities?

In these examples…how long was too long for you to wait to have sex?

The Seductress
Comment by hunter — February 20, 2009 @ 12:24 am

I think, I began to see personality flaws that I did not want to deal with. And not having had sex, makes it so much easier to leave and move on to someone else.
Comment by The Seductress — February 24, 2009 @ 10:36 pm

Hunter, you make my point for me about waiting to have sex. Sex can get in the way of or prolong seeing the red flags.

The Seductress
Comment by hunter — March 7, 2009 @ 12:23 am

Yes, sex can keep us from seeing red flags, but, don’t they say our creator made it this way, just to keep this place populated?
Comment by The Seductress — March 20, 2009 @ 11:29 am

Hmmm, I don’t know where it says that our creator designed sex to prevent us from seeing red flags in each other so that would populate, but I see your point regardless. Not a good point, not one that speaks of healthy relationships but for some folks I’m sure that is how they choose to do it.

The Seductress
Comment by hunter — March 24, 2009 @ 3:30 am

Seductress, if 2 teenagers I know, had seen red flags, I would not be in existence.
Comment by The Seductress — March 24, 2009 @ 6:28 am

Hunter, I am certainly glad they were blinded! However, going back to your story….you said you “saw personaltiy flaws that [you] did not want to deal with” and “not having sex made it so much easier to leave and move on to someone else.”

If you had had sex, it’s possible you would have stayed with the wrong person, risked an std, or pregnancy or just plain have been miserable until you figured it out and left.
Yes, sometimes unplanned pregnancies force the couple to stay together and work out their problems, and I believe all children are a blessing from God to the world, but if it’s children we are talking about now, how much more does it make sense to take our time and use good judgement when choosing someone to be our partner in life and parenthood.

As did you when not having sex with that woman allowed you clearer sight to quickly see she was not for you.

The Seductress
Comment by Layla — October 31, 2009 @ 7:25 pm

I personally think that there is no rule in this waiting or not waiting attitude, but it’s a matter of education and personal preference, and it applies to both men and women. When I was very young my grandmother taught me the old rule: don’t sleep with him early. Let him desire you, let him have the feeling that he conquered you. Don’t make him think you are easy, men marry “serious girls” (her words).
I don’t know which is the best way, but I can tell you what happened to my grandma’s rule: I was 18 (I’m from Europe, I was not considered underage!) and virgin, I met a guy 8 years older, and fell in love. I dated him for 6 months, we slept together 3 times, and after that he didn’t want to see me anymore. The same thing happened when I was 26 with another guy. I dated him for a few months until sleeping together, and after we had sex, he just disappeared! My next relation at 19 yo lasted 1 year, and we slept after 3-4 days we met. My longest relation lasted 6 years, and I slept with that guy the day I met him. In my life there were guys who never cared about this aspect, and there were guys who cared. I think it’s just a matter of education and background. Talking about myself, I chose to act natural when I meet a guy, and I don’t think much about waiting or not waiting.
Let’s say I meet a guy whom I really like, and I can’t wait to have sex with him. I would personally go ahead and let things happen. I won’t push things myself, but I will also not delay things. If after that, the guy thinks I’m easy, that’s his problem. That means he is not my type anyway.
What if I wait and delay having sex with him, he is impressed with my attitude, and thinks the “conquest” was his hard work, and I end up being with him as my partner? Hmmm…from my experience, these guys have preconceived ideas…lots of them. Those things that sound like “ women are like this…and women are like that”. Just think about it, by delaying having sex with him, I would actually “feed” his preconceived idea that women are easy if they sleep with a men after a few days they’ve met.
His preconceived ideas would become a burden in our relationship anyway, and we would end up separating. So why should I play a game (in which I am not myself) with a man I know I won’t ever get along with?
My advice? Be yourself, act natural, and do what you feel. If it’s meant to end up, it will end up anyway. If the guy wants nothing else but sex, this is what you end up with, no matter how long you let him wait. If the guy is very attracted to you, and falls in love with you, it just doesn’t matter when you sleep with him, he won’t leave you because you are “easy.”