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Online Dating-Make the First Move

January 3, 2009

If you’ve spent any time on this blog you know that I don’t believe women should make the first move with men. See Should You Approach a Man First.

That means not approaching the cute guy at the coffee shop or pub and not calling the friend of a friend you met at Friday night’s party.

I believe in being friendly, open, and approachable and most importantly giving eye contact and smiling which tells a man you’d like HIM to come and get you.

But in the world of online dating, I believe it’s necessary and appropriate to bend these rules. Because through a computer you cannot give a man your radiant smile and eye contact which tells him you’d like him to come forth. If done correctly, you can make the first move via computer and not be regarded at the pursuer.

First, what is the computer equivalent of a smile and eye contact?

It’s when you send him a *Wink*.

Just a wink, no verbiage goes with it.

I’ve read advice that says if you are going to send a first email you should write something short and sweet, a little humorous, specifically mentioning something relevant to his profile, something that makes you stand out…etc…

No. That is what a MAN should do when he sends the first email. That is pursuing.

That is “Hey, I’d like to check this girl out and see if I like her.”

That is a man being a Hunter as he should be.

You don’t need to send that same message to a man. You simply need to send the message you’d be sending if you were in public giving a stranger your come hither smile and eyes.

That message says and only says, “Hey, you are cute.”

That’s it….

If he thinks you are cute too, let him pursue because he will.

When should you send the *wink*?

When you don’t post a photo with your profile. Some men (a small percentage) will contact women with no photos but only after they’ve exhausted every other profile with photos. And only if your profile is really amazing and they’re very curious (and hopeful) to see you.

Even then they are nervous because the first thing they will request is to see some pictures and if you aren’t attractive to them, they’ll feel like a letch never emailing you again but of course that is exactly what they will do so it’s easier to avoid the whole thing and just deal with the women who do post photos because there are so many of them.

I’ve talked to many, many men who have told me this. Some men don’t even *search* the profiles without photos. So because you are at a disadvantage not posting photos, wink away…

How to send your *Wink*

Exactly like this:

Name (if he gave it in his profile, otherwise username),

Hi. I’m sending you a *wink* along with my photos.

Have a great day!

Your username

If he likes what he sees, he will read your profile and if he’s interested he will email you back.

Look, it’s largely about your appearance for him, we all know that so don’t burden yourself thinking that you have to compose an email with the perfect combination of wit, humor, and intelligence while drawing attention to an obscure thing that he wrote to prove that you pay attention.

Forget it! Not important.

If he likes what he sees and there is nothing in your profile that turns him off, he’s emailing you.

If you do post photos you may still want to occasionally send a *wink* to a man that you’ve had your eye on for quite some time but is not contacting you. While he may not be interested in you, it’s possible that he hasn’t even seen you because he sets his search criteria in such a way as to miss you.

Perhaps you fall just outside of the travel distance he’s searching in.

It’s possible after having a chance to view your profile; he’d likely not care about a few extra miles.

In this case, since your profile does include photos, send only the *wink* and no email.

When a man receives your *wink*, and reads your profile, he has plenty of information about you to determine if he’d like to pursue. There is really no reason to give him more than the computer version of a smile that says you noticed him.

Seductresses, do you make the first move in online dating?

Post tags: Approaching men, making the first move, Online Dating

Posted in: Dating Tips, Online Dating

12 Comments »

Comment by Mike — January 4, 2009 @ 10:18 am

I could never be a girl. Not being able to make the first move and waiting for someone else to do it would drive me crazy.
Comment by James — January 4, 2009 @ 2:54 pm

I agree with your research! A guy will find out all he wants to know during the date, I rather not send a bunch of information via a post. As for the picture, well you gotta be attracted so the gals who don’t post a pic…I feel there is a reason why they are not posting a pic. Let a guy do his thing, being the hunter!
Comment by Tina T — January 4, 2009 @ 6:05 pm

I agree about revealing too much before there is even a first date. Keeping a little mystery gives you something to talk about and gives a bigger incentive for him to show up.
Comment by Anne — January 5, 2009 @ 2:30 pm

Why is it again that woman can’t make the first move? I realize “chasing” is out of the question, but in general what is the big problem? So I start a conversation if my smile didn’t seem to do the trick.
Comment by Karl R — January 5, 2009 @ 5:54 pm

I’m going to have to disagree with your assertion that women should avoid mentioning anything from the man’s profile.

When I first started online dating, I received dozens of e-mails and winks from women. These women were young and pretty, but there was nothing that indicated that they had looked at my profile (except the picture). I got the distinct impression that they were sending out hundreds of e-mails.

After that first impression, I’m somewhat cynical about the women who contact me. I start with the assumption that they haven’t read my profile … unless I read something in their e-mail that indicates that they read mine.

After a woman catches my attention with an e-mail, I’ll take over the pursuit from that point.
Comment by James — January 6, 2009 @ 5:36 pm

I’ve received both kinds of emails.
Some just with photos and little or no small talk and some
with three paragraphs. It makes no difference to me. If she’s hot I read her Bio and contact her.
Comment by Cara — February 15, 2009 @ 2:11 pm

I have never been comfortable with contacting a man first. I think nature is nature and you should let the man do his job. Pursue the woman. I have many a female friend who brags about contacting the guy first and I think it just comes down to being patient and holding out for a man that will put in the time and the effort because he is totally into you and that is clear.
Comment by Sian — February 20, 2009 @ 4:35 pm

I was on a dating site for over a year where it was free to send a wink and reply to a wink, but sending the first email had to be purchased.

I did send out some winks to men and in all cases they replied that they were interested and looking forward to my email. To me this wasn’t about the cost of the email, but demonstrated to me that these guys either weren’t interested enough in my profile to send me an email, or else they were interested but willing to take the risk of me not emailing them. I am not interested in men like this..whether online or in person.

So, I don’t send out winks anymore..it just didn’t work for me!
Comment by Karen Rose from Romance Russian-Dating — May 25, 2009 @ 8:48 pm

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Comment by Cathy at Sexy Odessa Dating — May 25, 2009 @ 11:36 pm

I found your post informative and helpful to me in my serious online seeking of special someone.
Comment by Monica — February 26, 2010 @ 8:09 pm

Found out about a way to find better matches, regardless of what dating site you use. It’s called Weopia, and its a virtual dating world that you invite someone that interests you. Since using it I’ve had way better dates, and I’m finding guys that seem more compatible in much less time. I was super skeptical when I checked it out. Let me tell you ladies, its renewed my faith in online dating and dating in general. My bf that told me about it found someone that she got serious with too, and she had been using online dating for something like a year and only had a few dates in that time. She calls it being selective, I call it picky. But either way, that’s my online dating tip for the day.
Comment by Isabella Williams — July 15, 2010 @ 10:58 am

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