Imagine you’ve had a couple of great dates with a new man. You are excited, attracted and hopeful. But you haven’t heard from him in a few days. You were sure he felt the same connection and now you are wondering why he isn’t calling. You analyze the whole situation with your girlfriends who tell you to call him. In an attempt to keep things moving you do call him, “just to say hi” so that he doesn’t forget you and is reminded that you like him.

Innocent enough, right? I don’t think so…

YOU may be really excited about him and “think” he feels the same but the fact is you don’t know. He may have had a great time too, but it doesn’t mean he had all the same thoughts and feelings that YOU had. He may have gone home and let your time spent sink in and realized that although you are a great woman, you just weren’t completely his type.

Let’s assume that after the dates he felt lukewarm about seeing you again. Maybe he’s dating other woman who he is more excited about. Maybe he is taking some time to decide.

But you begin to contact him. He doesn’t want to be rude or hurt your feelings, he doesn’t dislike you and since you are pursuing things further he may go out with you again, maybe a few times. Maybe just to have some fun, maybe even sleep with you. You however think that this is evidence that you both are still on the same page.

After a couple more dates, you feel something is off and try to get the connection back that you felt earlier. You pursue harder but he seems to “go with the flow” and pursue less. Ultimately, he breaks things off because in reality, left to his own devices, he may never have called you again in the first place. How does that scenario make you feel?

The best thing a woman can do after a great date is go on with her life as normal, date other men and not think about him very much at all. That way, if he does call again, she KNOWS he is interested. And if he doesn’t call, since she hasn’t invested her hopes and emotions or consumed herself with wondering what he’s thinking and hasn’t begun to pursue him, her disappointment will be much less.

Instead many women romanticize everything about the date and the man himself. They check their voice and email every hour and suddenly the focus of their life becomes his next call. When it doesn’t come soon enough, they turn into the pursuer by sending cute texts or emails. Or worse call and ask him out again.

Notice the thought, time, wondering, and pursuing in the above story? All of which ended in feeling disappointed, insecure, frustrated, trying to figure out what the man was thinking and feeling when ultimately he wasn’t thinking much at all.

That’s an awful lot of emotional investment after just a few dates!

We women are notorious for this kind of pattern. Then blame men for not knowing what they want after WE have ignored the signals, projected OUR feelings of “hitting it off” onto them and interfered with what would have happened naturally by taking over the chase.

When you first begin to date a new man, don’t call him.

Why?

NEWS FLASH- When a man is interested in you, he WILL call you. He doesn’t need your help to keep things moving. He doesn’t need you to be a co-pursuer. Because by calling what you COULD be doing is interfering with what he might choose to do on his own and feeling crummy when he dumps you after you’ve chased him.

Repeat this mantra

Return Calls, Don’t Initiate Them. When do I call him? When you KNOW he’s smitten and if he is, he will be calling you regularly anyway and the need to initiate calls shouldn’t be often.

Let me repeat, in the early stages of a relationship Return Calls, Don’t Initiate Them. It will prevent self inflicted drama, Seductresses, I guarantee it.

Don’t waste your time chasing the wrong man, let the right ones chase you.

Read more on this subject in Dating Mistakes

                                                                                                  What do you think?

4 Comments »

1. 

   Comment by James — December 29, 2008 @ 9:50 am

   I agree with completly! Let the guy do what a guy is supposed to do, let him make the calls. I hate when women start calling me. Let me be the one to decide if I’m going to call you and how interested I’m in. I can tell by the way you speak with me if your interested in return, or better yet don’t answer and don’t call me back if you’re not interested. Let a guy do his job, and pursue you, cort you and make you feel desired!

   James

2. 

   Comment by The Seductress — December 29, 2008 @ 9:58 am

   A man after my own heart! Thanks for the comment James.

   The Seductress

3. 

   Comment by girl w a plan to get the man — January 5, 2009 @ 11:03 pm

   Here’s a tip for women… First of all, don’t memorize his number and maybe try not to remember his email either. After your date, remove his number from your phone and email from your contacts. If he never contacts you again, then there is no way you will be tempted to contact him first, because you won’t have his info! Leave up to fate and the man. If you are meant to have him… then it’s up to him to want you.

   This really works! It’s always so exciting when they do finally reach out to you. Then do the same the thing, read, maybe answer, then delete!!! Make him WANT you!!!

4. 

   Comment by The Seductress — January 6, 2009 @ 2:19 pm

   Girl with a plan,

   For those women who repeatedly call and ask out men who are not interested in them and try too hard with men and turn into the pusuer after one or two dates, your advice may not be so bad.

   The act of calling a man in and of itself may not make him want you or not want you. His attraction to you is dependent upon many things.
   However, after a couple of dates many men may start out very attracted to a woman and loose that attraction when she starts calling and pursuing him.
   Then again maybe he wasn’t overly interested to begin with.

   The same woman can’t understand why she dates a string of men who suddenly “fade” into the abyss.

   Either way, why is she chasing a man who isn’t calling?

   When a man is genuinely interested in a woman, he doesn’t need help from the woman, fate, or the universe.

   He’ll call.

   The Seductress

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