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Dating & Sex

December 11, 2008

How long should you wait before having sex? As long as possible and there are many reasons why.

If you already have a time frame for sex set in your mind: married first, engaged, or at the least in an exclusive relationship, I applaud you for thinking it through and honoring your values. But what if you don’t have boundaries set regarding sex.

Then what? Trouble…because that is when one of the following may happen.

You may:

Have sex on date 1, 2 or 3 because the chemistry is there, you’ve made a connection and you’re sure that he, like you, feels the two of you are “special”.
Have sex early on in the hopes of deepening your connection and drawing him closer.
Have sex because you assume other women he’s dating are and if you don’t he’ll label you a prude and stop calling.
Have sex in the hopes that he’ll fall in love with you.
Have sex to show him how good in bed you are so that he’ll never want to leave you.
Have sex too early because you drank too much, your inhibitions are lowered and you can’t control yourself.

If your dating goal is a love relationship or marriage, then not only are these wrong reasons to have sex, but they will have the opposite effect on your partner. When a man has sex with a woman before he has feelings for her, his interest in her doesn’t grow, it lessens. If he’s had you before he respects, likes, or values you as a person, it isn’t likely that he will stick around long enough for those endearments to occur. And those things take time. He cannot possibly know you enough to care for, respect and value you within a few weeks time.

After his physical needs have been met and he’s done patting himself on the back for how irresistible he was, he’ll be asking himself how many other men were also irresistible to you. He won’t respect you, honor you or see you as a quality woman to fall in love with. You will go into his “easy” category and you’re not likely to come back out.

Don’t write me and tell me the anecdotal evidence that relationships can develop after sex occurs early on. I know it CAN happen. It’s just rare.

Men fall in love slowly over time, getting to know your unique traits, habits, characteristics and watching how you treat him and others. If he is truly interested in you he won’t mind waiting as long as he doesn’t feel like you are playing a game. A man who is interested in you and a relationship will be happy just to be with you so he can impress you and prove how wonderful he is.

If he pressures you within the first two weeks of dating and then bails out when he realizes you aren’t giving in, that is good! You’ve weeded out a looser. That is the kind of man who would have left you after you slept with him anyway.

Don’t be afraid to make him wait. He actually like’s the tension and build-up and deep down knows that having sex early is not how it’s suppose to be. Not with the woman he’ll love and marry. If he seems irritated or frustrated, don’t give in. As long as he keeps calling, it indicates interest and that is good. His frustration is probably because he’s been spoiled by all the other women who give up sex early. The ones he isn’t involved with now! And that frustration actually translates into heightened interest in you. Because you are different and unique, elusive and a challenge, a classy woman who sets high standards for herself. Wife material for a serious man.

Waiting to have sex in order to allow a man’s feelings to engage is not using sex as a weapon or tool. It’s protecting your heart, your body and your soul. Women are relational and emotional. We are not wired for casual sex. When we have sex with a man, it’s almost impossible for our emotions not to deepen. If we give our bodies away too early or too freely with men whom we are not committed and exclusive with we put ourselves at risk for lowered self image when things don’t work out. In addition, having sex too early can cause us to start ignoring the red-flags his personality is waving.

Waiting also gives YOU time to evaluate his qualities to see if he is worth sleeping with or even dating. He may be a creep, married or possess other “deal breakers”. Why invest your body and feelings and risk a pregnancy or disease when you don’t know if he meets your standards.

So when should you have sex? At a minimum, I suggest waiting until he is completely crazy about you and has asked YOU for an exclusive relationship. Men may SAY many things to get into your pants; declaring their love and hinting marriage after two weeks. But you KNOW this isn’t realistic no matter how wonderful you are, so give yourself at least around 4 months (depending on how often you see each other) to decide how genuine he and your budding relationship is. Once he’s completely smitten, you decide. If he loves you, he’ll respect whatever time frame you choose.

And never underestimate the seductive power and fun of making out like teenagers…

What do you think?

Post tags: Dating, Dating Advice, Relationship advice, Sex, when to have sex

Posted in: Seduction, Sex

6 Comments »

Comment by Dating Goddess — December 21, 2008 @ 1:57 pm

You are so right! So many women — even the midlife dating women I write for — give in too early. There’s lots at play — our neediness, his persuasiveness, that it feels so good so why not? But you are right that if it too soon, he’ll go “poof” without a second’s look back.

I’ve written on similar issues at Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 in case you’d like to read more on other topics like this.

Dating Goddess
http://www.DatingGoddess.com
Comment by hunter — February 15, 2009 @ 3:53 am

To goddess and seductress, I have heard, having sex, is like applying super glue at the short hair site. Some women say, having dinner together creates a bond even more powerful. Is this just a myth?
Comment by hunter — February 15, 2009 @ 6:13 pm

To add to that, a woman over 50, no longer bonds after having sex with a man. It is her choice to continue seeing him or forget him.
Comment by -NN- — July 31, 2009 @ 12:07 pm

“When a man has sex with a woman before he has feelings for her, his interest in her doesn’t grow, it lessens. If he’s had you before he respects, likes, or values you as a person, it isn’t likely that he will stick around long enough for those endearments to occur. And those things take time. He cannot possibly know you enough to care for, respect and value you within a few weeks time.”

You have written exactly how I feel about men.
I can’t respect someone like that, if they give me sex easily - then the attraction dissapates, I lose my interest as I didn’t get my O and they are out since they were not man enough.
Why would I meet a man for a second time since he couldn’t deliver the first time?
And he can’t satisfy me if he hasn’t touched my feelings - and that takes weeks (I know that from experience)
Comment by Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach — August 6, 2009 @ 2:40 pm

Hey Seductress! Just wanted to drop in and say that is great advice! I agree. And if any of your readers need additional confirmation of those same principles from a man’s point of view, here is what I said:

http://relationship-journal.com/2009/06/16/do-men-just-want-sex-should-my-decision-be-to-wait-or-not-to-wait/
Comment by valmont — January 18, 2010 @ 12:11 am

“when we have sex with a man, it’s almost impossible for our emotions not to deepen. If we give our bodies away too early or too freely with men whom we are not committed and exclusive with we put ourselves at risk for lowered self image when things don’t work out. ”

I do not necessarily agree with that. that might be the case in the States but in more liberal countries like Canada where I live or scandinavia, women are more independent and sometimes behave “like men” sexually speaking.

It has become standard to sleep before the 3rd date with the young crowd (below 30) because women want to test a man before entering a relationship with. ex: I was once dating a women we had sex on the 2nd date (it was dinner at her place), I was too sensitive because I hadn’t masturbated for a while and she was too tight so I came too fast…needless to say she lost interest and I never heard from her again although I was still interested in her! so sleeping too quickly can sometimes backfire for the man. As Icebergslim says, guard your penis and f*ck her with your brains!