There can be all kinds of reasons why a man may not approach a woman that he finds attractive.

 

I went right to the source one night and asked…

 

I, my best friend, Anne and our best platonic man-friend, George went out for drinks the other night. We sat up at the bar in this order – George, me then Anne.

 

Anne spotted an attractive man on the other side of the bar that she wanted to meet. So she did the only thing a woman should EVER have to do to invite a man’s approach:

She gave him eye contact and smiled.

                                                                               

 

That’s right that is it! Do nothing more, but smile. I believe it is always the man’s job to approach and all he needs from you to feel that approaching will be welcome is your warm smile and eye contact. Don’t keep smiling and keep looking, just do it once, perhaps twice, but no more. If he is available and interested most men will make their way over to you.

 

I say MOST because there are reasons why an available and interested man might not approach and I learned some of those reasons that night.

 

Anne made eye contact and smiled twice in a little over an hour but he still hadn’t approached.

 

BTW- Anne is extremely attractive. A blond, thin, doe eyed angel. And as sweet as they come. His not finding her attractive was not an option. And he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring.

 

So what was the problem???

 

Meanwhile the man to Anne’s right made small talk occasionally about the hockey game we were all half-paying attention to.

 

Some Reasons an available and interested man might not approach:

 

 

 

We decided for the sake of research, I would just go up and ask him. That meant that he would no longer be a potential date option for her. Because once a woman approaches the man, she is the pursuer, the power has shifted and from then on the dynamic changes. This will set the stage for the entire relationship. Never approach a man first. Even though it wasn’t Anne who was approaching him, I was with her, the dynamic was still blown. He hadn’t done the heavy lifting. I was the one walking across the room while he sat there. He didn’t do any work.

 

I marched up to him and asked him some questions.

 

First I asked him if he had noticed Anne smile at him.

 

He said he did.

 

I asked him if he thought that meant that she found him attractive.

 

“Sure”, he said. (See, a smile is all you ever have to do)

 

I asked him if he was married or involved.

 

No he was not.

 

I asked him if he found her attractive.

 

“Yes, she is beautiful”, he said.

 

I finally asked him why he would not go talk to a beautiful woman who was smiling at him.

 

This is what he said:

 

“I know that man sitting next to her is not with her, but he’s talking to her and I’m not going to approach a woman if she’s already talking to another man.” 

 

Men respect the boundaries of other men who may be “working it”. They won’t butt in. Remove yourself from time to time from the men you’re not interested in so that the one you are interested in has room to approach.

 

I told him I saw him and other men talking to the same woman on his side of the bar so that can’t be the whole reason….

 

His reply:

 

“Yes, but they are sitting close to me already. It’s easy to just say hi or make a comment to other people who are sitting or standing near you. It doesn’t look like I’m trying to pick someone up, I’m just being friendly to those around me. To talk to your friend, I’d have to get up and walk to the other side of the bar and interrupt the other man. It’s not as easy to do.”

 

It takes a lot of confidence to always have to be the one to approach women. Men have been turned down a lot throughout their lives. Even when a woman seems to be inviting him. If the conditions don’t feel right, he doesn’t want to risk looking like an ass or being rejected after he’s crossed the entire room. Or have the other guy tell him to get lost.

 

Situate yourself in close proximity to the attractive men you’d like to meet, smile once or twice then forget about it and enjoy your night. It’s much easier for him to just lean over and say hello or slide in a comment if you are in earshot.

 

I left him with this. “A beautiful woman is smiling at you. Get off this chair and go talk to her.” And walked away. He eventually did and they had a very  nice conversation.

 

It’s very probable that the whole evening would have passed without them meeting because of the circumstances he gave. Perhaps he would have crossed the room if there were no other men talking to her, but he had distance and another man’s presence working against him. While I expect men to be hunters and hunters are the only men I will date. I respect the political subtlety that goes into the approach and any information that helps the Seductress get what she wants is invaluable.

 

So go forth and Smile!

 

                                                                                What do you think?

5 Comments »

1. 

   Comment by hunter — December 18, 2008 @ 11:10 pm

   I sort of disagree with what your research. It seems as if every time I go out with an attractive woman, men come right up and talk to her. This is annoying.

2. 

   Comment by hunter — December 20, 2008 @ 1:40 am

   As I reread your article, the question comes to mind. Should men approach/investigate every attractive woman that smiles at him?

3. 

   Comment by The Seductress — December 20, 2008 @ 7:29 am

   Hunter-
   “Should men approach/investigate every attractive woman that smiles at him?”

   If he is available and interested, Yes. The premise of this article is why a man -who is availabe and interested- may not approach and the reasons why this particular one didn’t.

   As for men approaching women that you are out with, unless there are some obvious body language clues to show that you are not on a date or romantically involved, that is rude and classless behavior.

   Years ago, I vacationed once with George from this article to a family reunion. We spent some time at the beach. A cute lifeguard approached both of us, was very polite and said he had been watching us for quite awhile. He determined that we were not romantically linked (he was right) and wanted to meet me. He invited us to a party and was gracious to us both, never trying to steal me away from George or ditch him. I got a great kiss that night!

   Still risky, but I love a man who goes after what he wants and does it with class.

   The Seductress

4. 

   Comment by hunter — December 22, 2008 @ 10:29 pm

   I agree with you. For the most part an attractive woman will always have company. And it has been my experience, that, a woman maybe with her son-in-law, nephew, etc.

   “Risk”, I have heard the word for years, yet, no one has defined it like you did.

5. 

   Comment by Mike — January 2, 2009 @ 8:38 pm

   Very true research. I know for myself I usually see women that just plant themselves and never move. They don’t see if where they’re sitting is approachable or not. Most people will sit where they feel protected, but like any castle it’s daunting for the knight who has to scale the walls.

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