In Part I, I talked about the importance of a “connection” with your partner as the basic ingredient for a great kiss. But how do you make a connection?

 

In order to do that the first thing you have to do is forget ‘technique’, relax, breathe and desire to experience this kiss, with this man this moment.

 

 

In this way, there is no ‘right’ way to kiss. Your desire to give and receive a great kiss is wanting to experience it WITH him not DO a technique TO him.

 

 

Our society in its quest for great sex focuses highly on technique and while some basic technical information is valuable, the over abundance of it kills intimacy in my opinion. The bottom line is each person comes with different preferences ‘technically speaking’ and you have to get to know your partner in order to find out what sparks him anyway. A mind focused “put A here while doing this to B” blocks your ability to focus on your partner and learn about his unique sexual identity.

 

 

So what is with the obsession with manuals that give the message that there is a right way to be sexual and it works for all people?!

 

 

Buy into that and you’re likely to be doing what you read about wondering why he isn’t responding and either become frustrated with him, or insecure with yourself and the reality is, you are tuned out from each other and THAT is the whole problem. And all of us women have been with a technique focused man, haven’t we? It isn’t so great. In his quest to be a great lover, he rubs his heart out in a way he saw in porn or read about in manuals and can’t understand why we aren’t responding. We disconnect, feel numb, and he just rubs harder and stronger as if he’s waxing his car growing more and more mechanical and less and less sexy. 

  

 

At the risk of sounding like I am giving you new techniques to practice….I will give you ideas on how to create a vibrational link with your partner in order to make a real intimate connection with him.

Only then can you together, create a mind blowing kiss.

 

 

*Slow things down: When you feel detached or feel like he is, the easiest way to ‘connect’ and be able to ‘feel’ each other and be ‘present’ is to slow it waaaayyyy down. When you purposely go slow, it’s difficult NOT to connect. It takes effort and keeps you in the moment and it is then easier to focus on your partner and what you are feeling between you.

 

 

*Open your eyes: Most people kiss (and even make love) with their eyes closed. We think it’s romantic, or we find it’s easier to focus on our body sensations with our eyes closed, or we need to keep ours eyes closed so we can fantasize about the hot guy at the office. It may feel awkward at first but if you can leave your eyes open a little, at half mast occasionally while you are kissing and gaze into your partner’s eyes you will build intimacy and connection with him. Also, stop kissing long enough to pull back altogether for a few moments of direct eye contact and then resume your kiss. Eye contact is intimate and powerful and very connecting.

 

 

*Master your own insecurities: People focus on techniques, close their eyes and disconnect in order to avoid their own insecurities about their sexuality. They ‘think’ what they are doing is a way to build connection but it does the opposite. If you habitually do these things, think about what is holding you back. Perhaps being truly present and connected and revealingly close to your partner makes you feel too vulnerable. If you lack confidence, perhaps ‘acting’ like a sex kitten feels more comfortable than facing your own insecurities longs enough to become one.

Be brave and step outside of that box so you can become the seductress you desire to be.

 

 

Warning: Just because you may be ready to focus on your partner and build a vibrational link in order to create mind blowing kisses doesn’t mean he is on the same page. You can do your part but to make a true connection and an awesome kiss (that leads to awesome sex), it takes two. He may be well practiced in the art of disconnection and performance techniques himself. You can try to lead him, but he may not want to follow.

 

The hot and seductive movie “Bull Durham” has a great quote that comes from Crash Davis (played by Kevin Costner) who says…

 

 

“Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch…. and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

 

 

I couldn’t agree more!

 

Seriously, of all the sexual things two people can do, kissing tops out as the most sensual, intimate, vulnerable, erotic and telling.

 

 

Our kissing style gives our partner messages about us, our mood, out intention, and our sexual identity…..

Since most communication is non-verbal have you ever received or given any of these kinds of kisses?

 

 

From “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch, Ph.d.

 

“The soft but electric kiss of a familiar lover.

The hard kiss of passion.

The breathy, languid kiss of tasting and smelling each other’s body.

The gentle bite on the lip from someone begging to be ‘rode hard and put away wet.”

 

 

Or what about these?

 

 

“The mushy, limp kiss of passivity and withheld eroticism.

The perfunctory kiss on the way to the office.

The sloppy, soupy, wet kiss that triggers anger rather than desire.

The rigid-tongued kiss of the mechanical lover.

The smothering kiss that rekindles childhood fears of an intrusive, engulfing parent.

The impatient kiss of a partner preoccupied with more important things.

The bad tasting kiss of the inconsiderate partner, whose ‘If you love me, take me as I am’ attitude becomes the bludgeon for take-it-or leave it lousy sex.

The begrudgingly given kiss of the ‘you can’t take me for granted’ lover who demands tooth-brushing and mouth-scouring…before a meeting of the tongues.”

 

 

If you want to be a truly seductive and sensuous woman, you better know how to send shivers up his spine with just your kiss.

But how do you know if your smooching is any good?

 

 

I can give you a list of ‘techniques’ to practice and many advice blogs and books do just that but more often than not it’s the person who is focused on their technique who is the lousiest kisser.

 

 

Everyone wants to be a good kisser. And because of that we become very aware of ‘ourselves’ during kissing and all things sexual. We may not even be completely aware of it or we are very aware that we are trying to DO what we read about or what we think is the right thing to do. This technique, that trick…..we may be thinking things like, “I need to use my hands this way, is he enjoying this? Am I doing it right? Am I responding enough? Should I take more control? Are my lips soft enough, firm enough or too firm? I hope my breath is fresh…..”

 

 

And while focused on all of that, you are completely NOT focused on your partner.

How much ‘connection’ with him do you think is being achieved?

 

 

ZERO!

 

 

When you tune out from your partner and tune into yourself, there is no connection. And without a real connection, there is no great, electric, wall socket, give him butterflies kiss.

 

 

The secret to being a great seductress, and kisser and lover lies in your ability to tune in to your partner.

 

To achieve a vibrational link with him–where you both are in sync with each other and can read each other’s need or desire to speed things up, slow things down, press harder, softer, lean in, tilt this way or that. You instinctively feel each other to the point where a flow happens so that spontaneous actions and reactions happen with no thought….HOT. Above all you are comfortable with yourself and he senses and feels it, physically and mentally.

 

In part II, I’ll give you some ideas on how to do just that!

It’s a question that is discussed and debated all the time.

And there are about as many ways to answer the question of “who pays” as there are people who answer it.

 

We’ve heard the many opinions……

 

“Whoever asked for the date pays.”

“The man pays.”

“The man pays for the first date, afterwards paying should be shared.”

“The man pays until there is a commitment.”

“Men and women should go Dutch.”

“Men and women should take turns.”

“Whoever grabs the check first should pay.”

“Men should pay for most of the dates, women should reciprocate sometimes.”

 

The fact is; there is no right or wrong answer.

People have different ideas of how “money” will be used and disbursed in their dating lives.

And each of the above possibilities comes with meaning, hidden agendas, and/or expectations.

The trick is to find someone with whom you click with-on this issue as well as all the others.

 

I’ll tell you what I believe.

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I finally met “Email man” in person. We’d been pen pals for a year and I gave him support and advice as he navigated the first year of his life post divorce. He told me about the women he met, I told him about the men I dated and we both appreciated the perspective of the opposite sex and complete honesty because our friendship was so removed.

 

I wondered if meeting would be a good idea because throughout the year he’d make comments from time to time that made me wonder if he held the thought that our “friendship” could grow into more. General positive comments about my personality or outlook on life….but nothing overt.

 

During our evening, which was at a local dance club with a group of friends, I felt more and more his attraction to me. I had learned enough about him throughout year to know that while he’s a great guy, he’s not for me. I didn’t go into our meeting with any thoughts of him other than a friend, but my fear that he would be coming with some hope was confirmed.

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It was happy hour at a local restaurant the other day when a cute, all American girl walked in and strut past to join a group of gals. She was wearing tight jeans tucked into knee high black high heeled boots, a multicolored knit top that had cap sleeves and was loose around the body but had a band sewn around the bottom so it fit snug around the waist. She wore long thin chains around her neck that hung to her navel and several metal bangles.

 

Her long blond hair looked backcombed and sprayed for height, she had a decent amount of well applied makeup and perfectly manicured nails painted bright pink. An over-sized yellow leather bag slung on her shoulder.

 

I heard a comment coming from one of the men seated near me at the bar as she past.

“Trying too hard,”  he said.

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I’ve mentioned my friend Anne before….her divorce is almost final and a friend wanted to set her up to meet a nice doctor pal of hers. Anne gave this lady permission to pass on her number.

 

Said man, we’ll call “No voice Vinnie” texted her one day introducing himself and asked if she’d like to get together for a drink sometime.”

 

Assuming he was at work since it was the middle of the day and thought he probably couldn’t talk, didn’t think much of the fact that a man she’d never met reached out for the first time to introduce himself- WITH A TEXT, and texted back that yes, she would.

 

He texted back that he was going on vacation in a matter of days but would like to get together when he returned. She texted that would be fine and to CALL her when he got back.

 

Awhile later, he texted again and said that “tonight was open if she could swing a last minute drink”. She actually could be free for a short time for a quick one so they made plans, VIA  TEXT, to meet later that evening.

 

20 minutes before they were to arrive at the restaurant, he texted her the following:

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I’ve talked a lot about setting your goals and establishing a clear picture of what you want in a man.

 

I found this awhile back and thought it was interesting. The list is very comprehensive. The more things a man can check off of this list shows his experience, bravery, knowledge and competency.

 

And he’ll have a few amazing stories to tell I’m sure.

Thought you might like to check it out. http://lifestyle.msn.com:80/your-life/bigger-picture/articlepm.aspx?cp-documentid=11258170

 

Here’s the list:

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I’m reading a motivational book entitled “Lead the Field” by Earl Nightingale. It’s a fascinating book laying out a model for success in any area of one’s life.

 

In it he teaches a lesson we have all heard before from the self-help community: What you think is what you become. In fact, “You are the living embodiment of the sum total of your thoughts to this point in your life; you can be nothing else.”

 

That quote actually made me quite uncomfortable. Although I “know” that to be true intellectually and believe it, I also like to blame. I like to blame circumstances, other people’s behaviors, the economy, my current problem, my upbringing, my genetics, my education or lack thereof as convenient excuses for any goal or achievement I “say” I want but am not working toward or accomplishing.

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I like to define class as an equal mix of Manners and Etiquette.

 

Manners- Being considerate and respectful of others.

 

Etiquette- Set rules or guidelines for behavior in specific situations. (Use of dinner utensils, gift giving, social decorum)

 

Here are some basic tips for both!

Three Guidelines for Great Manners

Treat Everyone With Respect- Don’t save your manners for those you are trying to impress or for those you are grooming to help you in the future.

 

 

Use Tact- It’s always wise to be honest but don’t use honesty as an excuse to say something hurtful.

 

 

Be Considerate- Be on time, show people you value and appreciate them, say “please” and “thank you”, be considerate of other’s comfort.

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From the French, literally translated “I know not what”.

It’s an intangible quality that makes something attractive or alluring.

 

Seduction is all about je ne sais quoi.
It’s about confidence, intelligence, wit and beauty.

 

Being clever and crafty, sexual and haunting.
The way a woman carries herself with a glow of inner peace and tranquility.

 

Je ne sais quoi

 

I was out to dinner the other night at a local 4 star restaurant.

The décor was beautiful the staff gave exceptional personal attention, the food exquisite.
It wasn’t very crowded so I noticed a couple who walked in and was seated near my table.

 

He was an older gentleman, very well dressed and on his arm was a lovely younger woman also very nicely dressed.

By her appearance alone, she looked quite elegant.
But as I watched them periodically throughout the evening, she became less attractive by the minute.

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